Last week Rolling Stone announced that Rick Ross would be getting his own advice column entitled “Ask a Boss With Rick Ross.” The idea got us wondering how Ross, he of the boundless imagination and propensity to answer questions in the most ridiculous way possible, would approach his task. We imagined that some of the questions would be from regular people, and require his take on benign subjects that he hasn’t had to consider since before his beard was stubble. We also figured that the subject matter of the Miami native’s music might draw some less savory characters in to seek his counsel.
So with that in mind, we put our demented little minds to use, and came up with a few questions of our own, with our take on how we think the Bawse might answer. In honor of Rick Ross becoming Hip-Hop’s Dear Abby, we offer you 10 Likely Questions And Answers From Rick Ross’ Rolling Stone Advice Column.
I noticed you lost some weight? What’s your secret?
Health is very important to a bawse, ya under dig? Me and Diddy bet a million dollars I can lose a hunnid pounds so I had to make MAJOR moves like a bawse, ya under dig? I lost the weight like I move the weight! Rozay!
So, I just took a plea deal, and it looks like I’m going to have to do a little time. How can I survive in prison?
Be extremely respectful to the correctional officers. Those brave men and women get up every morning to protect and serve rapists, murderers, pedophiles, and the scum of the earth! WE SHOULD BE ON OUR KNEES THANKING GOD THAT THESE HEROES…*ahem* I mean…ask for Pablo, Noriega…The real Noriega. He’ll take care of you. He owe me a hunnid favors.
I recently got a promotion, and now I have five employees under me. Do you have any advice for a new manager, from your experience with running MMG?
Meek good! Wale good! Gunplay solo album coming! We good! MMG! We work hard! We make money! We make MAJOR moves! Everybody eatin’! Everybody got a budget! When I shine, everybody shine! Meek got a Porsche! Wale got a Ferrari! Maybach O got a Toyota! WE EATIN! WE EATIN!
I want to grow a beard, but it comes in thin and patchy. How do you get your beard to grow in so thick?
The bawse get this question a lot from women, but since you a dude, I’ma add a pause just in case. A pawse! I don’t really share, but I wanna see a young bawse flourish just like Rozay. Here’s what you need:
1 750 mL bottle of chilled Belaire Rosé
1 box of chicken from Wingstop
Step 1: Carefully remove cork from the chilled Belaire Rosé. Pour into wine glass or champagne flute.
Step 2: Eat the chicken, and wash it down with the wine
Step 3: Get off my dick. UNGH!
I notice that you’re very confident. You always have your shirt off, and don’t seem to care. How did you get so comfortable in your own skin?
A don don’t give a f*ck what other mungkees think, ya under dig? WE MAKIN’ MONEY! WE MAKIN’ MAJOR MOVES! WE MAKIN’ HISTORY! Mastermind in stores now!
No disrespect, but you look like you love to eat. I’ve been trying to make this lemon meringue pie for my husband, but the meringue is flat and lifeless. What do I need to do?
WHIP IT REAL HARD! WHIP IT WHIP IT REAL HARD! Rozaaay!
My neighbor kept stealing my newspaper off my porch, so I put nails in his assigned parking space. Now we got beef. I saw how you came out of that thing with 50 Cent on top. How do you manage beef?
You already know the bawse stay War Ready. But real bawses hold meetings and get money. Set up a meeting to fix the misconfusion and pop bottles like true bawses, ya under dig?!
I just copped five of them thangs from Papi, but he stepped all over it. I can’t make no money off of this sh*t. How can I get what I need from the connect without starting a war?
*googles “how to sell drugs”*
My prom is coming up in May, and I want to ask a girl I’ve been crushing on since September, but she doesn’t even know I exist. How can I get her to notice me, and win her over?
A bawse don’t chase females. Go to prom and pop that Molly in her drink. Take her back to a hotel and she won’t eem know it! Ya under dig? Boom!
Is the Illuminati real? If so, how do I join?
Shout out to the big homie Lyor! All that Illuminati talk is all speculation. WE MAKIN’ MONEY! WE MAKIN’ MAJOR MOVES! WE MAKIN’ HISTORY!