As most of you know, Roger Goodell will be entering the Heart of Darkness this week as he has to walk the streets of New Orleans – the town that hates him more than it hates any other human being in the world. Most people in NOLA are plotting ways to make his trip a living Hell (he just better get his food shipped in from Atlanta to be safe).
While trying to decide the best ways to ruin his week, I realized the blueprint has already been set by one Stone Cold Steve Austin. He also hated the guy running his business and since Roger Goodell is the real-life petty, evil Mr. McMahon it just makes sense to follow Austin’s methods. From the moment Goodell arrives to the day he leaves, here are the steps to ruining his week that every New Orleanian should follow.
Thanks Stone Cold for your infinite wisdom.
Wednesday – The Rental Car – Good ol’ Rog will undoubtedly need to get a rental car when he arrives in the Crescent City on Sunday night after the Pro Bowl. That’s when one heroic citizen should take Steve Austin’s plan and load up his spiffy Finemobile with all the cement you can find. Then let the Seattle Seahawks secondary come and piss on top of it.
Thursday – Beer Bash – Since Goodell will undoubtedly be footing it for a bit without his car. That’ll be the perfect time to have a beer bash. And what better way than to douse him with a truckload. Just make sure you keep the Dallas Cowboys away.
Friday – The “Face To Face” – I assume there will be a time when Goodell will try to approach New Orleanians with his philosophy on player safety and looking out for us in order to ease our pain. That’s when one lucky citizen should take to giving him a Stone Cold Stunner in the middle of Bourbon St.
Saturday – Hospital Visit – If Vince has a few injuries from the week so far then you can visit him in the hospital. After Gregg Williams finishes buttering him up by sucking up to him, one hospital worker can swoop in and hit him with a bedpan.
Sunday – Trophy Presentation – When Vince finally got the belt away from Austin, he threw a ceremony much like Goodell will after the Super Bowl. Stone Cold had a plan to drive a Zamboni to the ring to crash the party. Sure he got arrested as any of you would, but he got a few licks in and became a hero…much like you would. Now I don’t condone violence or…who am I kidding. F*ck him up, someone. It’s your civic duty. Just think: What would Stone Cold do?