We’ve already professed our undying love for the land of lap dances and expensive drinks. But as you probably know, the strip club can be a drag if you’re not Rick Ross and willing to drop a million bucks to make it monsoon on droves of applauding derrieres. However, the everyman can have fun at the strip club without breaking the bank. Here are seven steps to enjoying yourself without spending all of you (or your wife’s) money.
1. Leave Your Debit Cards At Home Or In The Car
Going to the strip club is like a kid going to Chuck E. Cheese’s. Money is suddenly a non-issue and you’ll end up wanting more money when your five-dollar allowance is over. At Chuck’s parents replenish the money. At Suck’s the ATM will give you your reserve cash. But, see, unlike when you’re a kid, this money is tied to your ability to provide shelter and food. So instead of letting Tanqueray tempt you to spend an extra hundred on a tuggy, you can leave your card behind and have your cash be your absolute limit. Basically what we’re saying is don’t trust your ability to restrain yourself.
2. “No” Is An Option
When you go to The Olive Garden, they ask you if you want parmesan cheese on your Tour Of Italy. You can wave the waiter off and say, “no thanks.” When they ask for dessert, you can also say no. And guess what: they won’t charge you! The same applies to strippers. If she comes to you unprovoked and asks to give you a Levi Ride, you can say no. And you can also say no when she asks for a dollar for going through the trouble of asking you for money. It’s your experience. Spend how you wish.
3. Pick An Off Day
Weekends and special event nights are hell if you want to go to strip clubs. Everything’s overpriced and crowded. You don’t want to go to a strip club in Atlanta during Freaknik (they still do that, right?). You also don’t want to go on C-Section Sunday afternoons. Instead, pick a solid Thursday when there are drink specials and a light crowd. You can bargain easier then.
4. Act Like You’ve Been There Before
If you ask, “how much is a lapper?” she’ll quote any price. But if you’re like, “lappers are $5 right?” then she’ll know you have a certain familiarity with prices. And low-balling might lower the price. If you’re in a strip club in a popular city, they may assume you’re a tourist and can quote you any price. No way. Compare prices. Bring coupons from other strip clubs if you need to. And never pay more than $20 for a lap dance.
5. Don’t Make It Rain
Only D-bags with low self-esteem make it rain. And there’s no way you’ll get your money’s worth. And also, did we mention only D-bags do that?
6. Drink Before You Go
This is just basic economics for any club whether there are titties or not. You want to show up drunk so you can save money on alcohol. That way you only need to buy one drink to not look like a total freeloader without having the need to finish it too quickly. If you keep a drink in your hand you’ll look like you’re spending money. And if you look like you’re spending money you’ll look like you have money. And if you look like you have money you’ll look like a guy with a boob in your other hand.
7. Go On Your Birthday
For some reason, people love watching other people get denim scrubs and they show this voyeuristic desire during birthdays. Go on your born day (bonus if you go on your 21st) and your loser friends will be spending money on you and enjoy it like they’re getting sympathy boners. If you get them to pool their money like a potluck, they may even get enough for you to go all way in a champagne room or something. And what to do when you’re there is a lesson for another day.