I’m not writing about Slim Jesus because I’m sure there are countless think pieces written about him already. For those lucky enough to be unaware, he’s a skinny white kid from Hamilton, Ohio who became a Twitter trending topic on Tuesday once his Chicago-influenced song and video, “Drill Time,” started to gain traction. He’s not being talked about because how gifted he is on the mic, but because of how fundamentally goofy and out of his element he looks posturing with pistols for props while hanging out with a couple of black kids. I imagine those little guys are the same type of dudes who gave Post Malone a pass to use the N-word in their clique, but let’s not get off topic.
I’m not writing about Slim Jesus because acknowledging the fact that he exists only validates him. Any time spent writing on the 18-year-old Ohioan is time taken away a more worthy artist. Like, Beware published a new track by Stro on Tuesday that I guarantee got overlooked, even though he’s a highly skilled MC, much like the kind of artist everyone says they want to see highlighted more. That kid’s been amazing before he was a teen, we’ve been covering him since he was maybe 15 and, at 19, he’s a young lyrical lion.
But, here we are wasting time on Slim Jesus, who if he wasn’t white, we wouldn’t even be dealing with. Because let’s face it, there really are a hundred Lil Mouse-type drill cats uploading their videos to Worldstar each month, but none of them turn into Twitter trending topics for consecutive days. In essence, he’s capitalizing off a deadly lifestyle and form of music, aping a Chicago scene where eight people were killed and 46 more were injured in shootings just over Labor Day weekend.
I’m not writing about Slim Jesus because he’s clearly a cosmopolitanism character whose whole style was plucked from various Worldstar videos. Shorty rattled off an arsenal of firearms he owns with extended clips included, rocks designer belts and gold fronts and never blinks for the duration of the video, his eyes piercing like a possum’s. He’s giving thots Molly, promising he’s holding the gas and apparently he’s got his own trap spot. Maybe this is his life. Or maybe he’s studied the drill scene closely, kept a running checklist of the accessories needed to be considered authentic and here we are talking about him. Slim freakin’ Jesus. He’s like the rapping version of the whiteboy gangsta Crip and, unfortunately, I do not have time today.
I’m not writing about Slim Jesus because my dad warned me about guys like him when I was growing up. He used to joke that Ichy, my best friend’s younger brother by three years, would probably be the first one to shoot somebody before anyone else. Much like Slim Jesus, Ichy was small in stature and always had some type of gun that nearly outweighed him. By my pop’s logic, a small, frail guy with a gun would be the first one to pop off mostly driven by fear. Fear that he’d get his ass beat in just about in situation he faced if it came to throwing hands. Instead of shooting the fair one, a guy like Ichy – or a kid like Slim – would be so afraid they’d pull out a gun and let off in the least frightening situation.
And see, I’m here writing about Slim Jesus and he’s in the video rapping “…But this shit ain’t just a f*ckin’ rap, I hear one diss and I’m running up in your f*ckin’ trap.” I don’t need anybody runnin’ up in my trap, especially not a frail white kid with loads of guns and the ability to hide out state to state, like Slim Jesus says he does. No thanks.
So, I’m not writing about Slim Jesus. Y’all can have him, whether it’s as a legit artist or web phenomenon we point and laugh at. I’ll wait and let Noisey document him in his Hamilton hometown for one of their dry snitching documentaries. That’s usually a solid jinx that lands rappers in jail or legal trouble. Then, nobody will have to write about Slim Jesus.