Why We Should Lynch The Cast Of “Street Fighter”

03.10.09 9 years ago 26 Comments

Have any of you seen this abomination of a movie?

Now I would never get up and go watch this movie. My IQ has more than two digits and I remember what happened in 1994. That memory haunts me every night before I sleep, word to the tears on my pillow.

My problem though is that I love my little sisters. And they love Street Fighter, more so, they love Chun-Li. Now they are 20 and 16; definitely old enough to go to the movies on their own. But I don’t trust these penis-bearing, hormonally-charged youths that walk around the malls at night these days. So Heckler, Koch and myself accompanied them for a late night screening of the aforementioned excuse of a movie.

I knew nothing of it, having not seen a trailer, or promo posters for that matter. But I still knew it would be boiled, diluted shit.

Boy, was I right. Kristin Kreuk is a relatively choice piece of ass. Not my type, but not bad to look at. Still her looks are by far greater than her skill. The only thing worse than that, is the decision-making skills of whoever cast her for the part of a Chinese orphan/Interpol Agent, who, in this movie, is only half-Chinese, isn’t really an orphan to begin with, and has nothing to do with Interpol. Seems Kreuk’s really bent on destroying childhood dreams because she also co-stars in that Superman TV Series that I can’t seem to tolerate.

Michael Clarke Duncan Don’t Need No Stinkin’ Boxing Gloves To Play Balrog

The writers of this script figured while they were busy doggy-romping the original story, and bringing dead people to life, they’d bring back this guy named Charlie Nash. Even my sisters, avid fans that they are, had to ask me “Yo, who the fuck is that clown?” I explained then they went, “Nah, we know who Charlie is, but who the Hell is that actor?” That, my friends, was Chris Klein. EASILY the worst actor EVER, EVER. I cringed every single time he showed up on the screen, over annunciating and spacing his words although he was speaking to a retarded & deaf audience or recovering from a bad lobotomy. Add to that the overdose of Botox® seems to have left him expressionless so he perpetually looked like he was 2.3 seconds from saying “Jizzed in my Pants.” My God, he sucks as an actor (no homo). I wish him nothing but the worst in his career. I hope he gets an endorsement modeling parts for Russian submarines and permanently relocates to Moscow, never to return again.

Robin Shou who already played Liu Kang in 1995’s Mortal Kombat, figured he should try destroy another fighting game franchise as Gen . His drive for destroying classics is unparalleled. Rumor has it he’s also going to be smearing shit on the set of Tekken and Killer Instinct, and is now auditioning to be in Virtua Fighter. None of which are even in pre-production but he still wants to poison their waters. Kreuk is auditioning too.

Robin Shou as Liu Kang Gen

I hoped Duncan would be the saving grace as Balrog. He looks like the dude, and on paper, would definitely fit the bill. But in this movie, he wasn’t a badass boxer, just some brain damaged hitman that used guns a lot.

Really, the list goes on. I spent the full length of this movie Twittering my hate away, and can confidently say that there is no saving grace to this piece of shit waste of film. The only 2 movies guaranteed to be worse than this that will see the light of day, are DragonBall Evolution, and Crank 2. More on the latter later.

Everything else shudders to this manure pit of an cinematographic abortion.

POST SCRIPT: THE SOUNDTRACK SUCKS! I think there’s a song by Ace Hood called “Street Fighter” on it. It’s awful.

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