Courtesy of those crazy Frenchies at Evian
American advertising agencies be slacking, yo.
It’s like their creativity goes on extended vacations and drinking binges until the Super Bowl and then we see hangover attempts at greatness and nothing more for another year or so. Makes you wish you could go somewhere to get away from all the televised wackness. It is for this reason that Tour Guide Contra™ is here. In hopes of broadening your horizons and keeping you entertained, I bring you 5 commercials that you should see from 5 countries you may want to consider visiting some time in the near future.
Let’s begin with a favorite of mine.
Why Go There?: Great
soccer football team and beautiful supporters. [insert pun about scoring and ball-handling] Plus, all the fun of Brazil, but in Spanish and with better cocaine.
Travel Advice: Although locals are very attractive, do not accept any gum from them. Especially post-coitus. This goes double for flavored gum. It all tastes like rubber anyway, so you wouldn’t be the wiser.
Why Go There?: They invented beer. If they didn’t, then they outshone whoever actually did. Also, Autobahn + German Engineering > Six Flags + Red Bull.
Travel Advice: It doesn’t matter how much you think you can drink, do not try and drink at their pace. Also, avoid being Black in certain more rural parts of the country. They don’t take too kindly to us people.
Country: South Africa
Why Go There?: To quote Ludacris: “The best women all reside in Africa.” Plus, you may run into Dave Chappelle.
Travel Advice: Go to Cape Town or Durban, not Johannesburg. Unless of course you like
being raped and robbed danger an adventure, in which case, Jo’burg and Soweto therein should top your list.
Why Go There?: The hype is true. Whatever your flavor and preference, you’ll probably run into it before exiting the airport.
Travel Advice: Do not take the spouse and make sure to buy a return ticket because you may not want to return. Oh, and ask for ID. Always, ask for ID.
Why Go There?: Because Hip-Hop is still alive there. Yeah, I said it. Add to that, they have great sights, great wine, and you can smoke almost anywhere. It’s bloody glorious.
Travel Advice: Parisians drive like madmen. Crossing the roads they drive on is like cheating on Bobby Brown with Chris Brown; one of them will hit you. Any further advice, ask The Greums.