Saying that the last week of June was hot is like saying that Dwight Howard is only kind of an a-hole. And, with thousands of temperature records falling and the weatherman projecting more of the same throughout the Fourth of July holiday, people will be scrambling to stay chilly. It’s harder than it sounds since triple-digit weather is damn near impossible to dodge. As such, the following ideas are 100% guaranteed to help you keep cool, or your money back.
1. Go To The Library
When was the last time you read a good book? With extreme heat rendering any form of physical activity miserable, now’s the perfect time to exercise your brain. Dust off your library card, hop in your whip, and spend a couple of hours in the cool, air-conditioned walls of your closest public library. Give any of these a spin and you’ll be pining for warm weather.
2. See “Ted” — If reading isn’t your cup of tea, the local movie theater is an option. As is always the case, there are a handful of deserving movies playing this summer, but Seth MacFarlane’s Ted should prove to be the most entertaining distraction out. Just laugh away the thought of leaving the theater to 99-degree weather.
3. Loiter In The “Beer Cave”
Every supermarket and convenience store worth its weight has a walk-in beer refrigerator. If you keep your wits, you should be able to spend a solid hour in there without anybody giving you a funny look. Just make slow, methodical revolutions around the room, and be sure to tell anyone within earshot about your love for Raging Bitch IPA.
4. Kill A Large Pack Of Fla-Vor-Ice
Amazon lists a 200-pack of the tastiest popsicles in the world for $12.15, a sound investment for sweltering summer days. If you give yourself seven minutes per Ice, you can finish that box in just under 24 hours. You won’t find a more delicious way stay chilly.
5. Go Swimming
Well, obviously. The old standby. Just make sure to wear lots of sun screen!
6. Take Off All Your Clothes
Don’t let Mr. Country Grammar advice to “take off all your clothes” go for naught. Anybody can join in on the fun, but it’s downright encouraged if you have two X chromosomes.
7. Get A Grill
Deck yourself out with anything shiny – chains, watches, grills, whatever – and watch the heat dissipate around you. Seriously, this works. Countless Gucci Mane mixtapes can’t be wrong.
8. If You Must Go Outside, Stay In Nature
There’s obviously no air conditioning outside, but if you absolutely must wander out, remember that concrete is hot. Hiking through the woods will be cooler than drifting through anything downtown.