The Dos And Don’ts Of Booty Dancing

04.09.09 9 years ago 30 Comments

When I’m at a party and there’s a wack DJ, I have to find other ways to entertain myself. One way I salvage the night is by spending a few hours laughing at people awkwardly embarrass themselves on many a dance floor across the country.

Now I’m not Chris Brown in the club and I’m not judging those that lack an ability to hold a beat. I am, though, going to give a few pointers on how not to be that guy or girl that we all crack jokes about over a plate of gourmet Waffle House.

Do Not Booty Dance During A Line Dance — Ok, I know her rump feels wonderful, homie. And I know you feel sexy getting your “grind” on, lady. But when the “Cha Cha Slide” comes on, take a break. There’s nothing worse than trying to sliiiide to the left and having to dodge the uncoordinated horny couple in the middle of the dance floor trying to get their jollies. Part ways for a few minutes, Charlie Brown, and get back to your rubbin’ and shakin’ when it’s over.

Don’t Get Caught Doing The Salsa — I swear I don’t know how this happens. There’s always one couple that seems perfectly content in their drunken off-beat rocking until inexplicably they start doing the salsa or waltz complete with a “Dancing With the Stars” dip. That, fam, is not ok when “Knuck If You Buck” is playing. Hell, not even if Daddy Yankee starts blasting on the speakers. I know you took those lessons and want to show them off, but this only takes up space and one of you is liable to get smacked in the face for doing a meringue step onto someone’s Air Yeezy’s.

Do Not Grind To The Oldies — I understand what “Let’s Get it On” is about. I also understand that the song’s message is probably along the lines of what you intend on doing when you leave the club. But some oldies just don’t work. There’s no reason for you to be doing the booty-do to “We Are Family” during the oldies portion of the DJ spins. Step back and do the two-step like you’re at a family reunion. A little class goes a long way.

Guys, Don’t Dip With The Girl — Here’s a hint: when “Get Low” or Flo-Rida’s “Low” comes on, your lady is going to do what the song says. Her ass will come about two centimeters from the ground. Though your first instinct is to follow the rumpus, just stand there. Let her rub it on the shins for a few seconds then come back up and get to work on the…err…midsection. Because if you take that trip down with her, you will come back up sans dignity. She’ll look sexy and you’ll look like a tool who may or may not be letting out his inner desire to become a Chippendale.

Don’t Get Too Comfy With Your Homie — This may be unpopular but I blame Girls Gone Wild. The sensationalizing of girl on girl has gotten out of hand. Yea, it can be hot, but sometimes chicks take it too far. Nothing’s wrong with a little dance. I’m a fan. But all night, girl? Unless you two are actually leaving together, then you’re wasting time. And, you two are starting to just look weird.

Get Kicked Out the Club (A Flagrant) — A few days ago, I went out and saw a girl pantomime giving head to her man. To the beat of a song. Dude even grabbed her head as she bent over and moved her head closer to his jeans. I had never seen anything like that before. But I think there should be jails specifically for those people.

Now, go out. Get your dance on. Write these rules down in glow in the dark colors so you won’t look like a fool. I know this means I won’t have as much to laugh at. But I’m willing to make that sacrifice for you.

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