Anyone that tells you that athletes make bad parents are either haters or children of athletes. Recently, we’ve been treated to exceptional acts of horrible fathering from athletes that we’ve grown to know, love and laugh at. So, to commemorate the questionable decisions daddy jocks have made, we’ve compiled the 10 worst acts they’ve committed throughout the history of sports. It’s a list more legitimate than Shawn Kemp’s offspring. After reading this, you might want to give your daddy a call and thank him for not sucking this bad.
10. Antonio Cromartie — Of course, we have to start the list with the sh*tty dad du jour who could barely name all of his kids. For most, that would be an easy task. The Brady Bunch always seemed to do it without any problems. But Antonio, who has three three-year-olds included in his seven babies from six women in five states, had quite a difficult time. If you watch the video closely, he doesn’t even name one of them!
Of course this would have been easy if he were…
9. George Foreman — Clearly his brain was so beaten to a pulp from years of boxing that it would be impossible for him to remember all of his 11 children’s names. So, he did what any forward-thinking man would do: he named his first five sons George. Maybe he got punched so much that he forgot he named them George. Either way, the kids are named George, Jr., George III, George IV, George V, George VI, Chicken George, George of the Jungle and George On My Mind.
8. Evander Holyfield — Why does Holyfield keep fighting? Easy. He’s got 11 kids to support! He had a few from his first marriage, then two at nearly the same time from women he slept with while in his second marriage and just kept on sending out sperm-filled jabs since then. Evander receives bonus points for skimping on child support and allegedly beating his third wife. Someone should tell him about the gloves that don’t go on his hands.
7. Calvin Murphy — This former world-class baton twirler and tiny NBA player is a former Houston Rocket known for once holding the record for most consecutive free throws made and highest free throw percentage in a single season. He also has a high baby-making percentage, fathering 14 children from nine different women. He was also accused of molesting five of his daughters. He was acquitted but, you know. That’s still weird.
6. O.J. Simpson — O.J.’s family has been through a lot. Their mom died in a mysterious murder 15 years ago that they’re still coping with. As part of the healing process, Orenthal thought it would be a good idea to write a book detailing how he would murder the mother of his children. The only thing worse would be actually killing her. Good thing he at least didn’t do that.
5. Travis Henry — Travis Henry has enough kids to put Cromartie to shame. He has 11 kids from 10 different women. That’s a double-double, folks. But what makes him special is the fact that not only is he struggling to pay child support, but he’s in the clink for the next three years for drug trafficking. At least he can’t make any more babies there.
4. Jason Richardson — No illegitimate kids to report here. Which means there are fewer kids for Jason to potentially kill in a horrific car accident. Last year, Richardson was arrested for driving 55 miles over the speed limit with his toddler in the car. Let’s not forget that the kid was not in a child seat. Nothing says father-son time like simultaneously flying through the front windshield.
3. Isiah Thomas — A couple of years ago, Isiah Thomas woke up and realized he was working for the Knicks, so he decided he wanted to kill himself. At least, that’s how I imagine the story. Thomas overdosed on prescription drugs and emergency crews were called to the scene. Later – despite the fact that police and paramedics had made statements to the contrary – Thomas told the public that it was his daughter that overdosed. Still, Thomas swears it was his daughter despite this quote from the cops: “It wasn’t his daughter,” Harrison Police Chief David Hall told The Associated Press. “And why they’re throwing her under the bus is beyond my ability to understand.”
2. Hulk Hogan — That’s a picture of Hulk Hogan rubbing suntan lotion on his daughter. That’s f*cking weird. Can we move on?
1. Karl Malone — Karl Malone is, quite frankly, a dick. And a horrible father. Malone had three kids from two women back home in Louisiana. Malone denied the fact that he was the father of Cheryl Ford until she turned 17 and was on her way to becoming a college and WNBA basketball star. We can probably assume that his acknowledgement of her as his daughter had something to do with that and the fact SHE LOOKS EXACTLY LIKE HIM!
Of course, bastard child and less basketball-inclined son Demetrius Bell was told to scram by Malone. Malone apparently wants nothing to do with Bell and would like to keep their relationship that way. And one more nugget: Bell’s mom was 13 and Malone was 20 when Demetrius was born. He was putting envelopes in her slot before she was even old enough to sign off on the package. Yes, Worst Dad award goes to Malone. Now he has something to put in that empty space where his NBA Championship would go.