Flogging the dolphin. Peeling the banana. Killing kittens. Shaking hands with the sheriff. Watching Handah Mondana. We all know the basic tenets of male (and female) life involve spending some alone time with your no-no place. And since music is all about real-life situations, it makes sense that there have been songs about the experience of syruping your fapjack during May, National Masturbation Month. So without further ado, here are 10 songs about…uhm…we’re out of euphemisms – masturbation.
1. Pharcyde – “On The DL”
Even though he’s apparently got a “girl whose butt’s soft” sleeping the bedroom, Buckwheat slides to the bathroom with a jar of cocoa butter and proceeds to give himself a hand for rocking a shorty the night before. As he so descriptively puts it, he slips “out my underoos sat on the toilet bowl, And let the hand I hold the mic with take controllllll.”
2. Tweet – “Oops (Oh My)”
Part of the success of the song lies in the urban legend that it was about masturbation. The lyrics (“Umm I was looking so good I couldn’t reject myself, Umm I was feeling so good I had to touch myself”) all but confirm the obvious but when Jay-Z references the song years later (“”I wanna feel myself like Tweet”), on Missy Elliott’s “Wake Up,” we all but have our solid answer. Hova wouldn’t lie or lead us astray.
Sidebar: Missy wrote “Oops.” Make of that what you will.
3. MF DOOM – “Kookies”
Most MCs would’ve taken the upbeat, triumphant horns from this MM Food album cut and rocked out a street single or powerhouse posse cut. MF Doom, however, chose to tell a detailed tale of beating the meat to e-mails from females after his wife went to bed. Odd? Yes. Dope? Of course.
4. Peaches – “Diddle My Skittle”
Even electronic music can have its innuendo (somehow) and and what better way of conveying masturbatory feelings than by repeating bursts of static to be used as a beat. Until the record hits the 3 minute mark, the video’s a jumbled collage of a woman in a onesie rubbing eyeball looking shapes around her camel toe. Yup, it’s a wonderful image, isn’t it? Wait ‘til she starts talking about Skittles and diddles and holes in the middle…
5. Chuck Berry – “My Ding-A-Ling”
Chuck Berry played pocket pool real cool with “My Ding-A-Ling,” a cutesy number complete with childlike melodies, a sing-song chorus and centered around a set of “bells” his granny gave him. The song was Berry’s biggest hit and he performed it countless times live over the years and encouraged the audience to join in the circle jerk. It’s all fun and games until checking ol’ Chuck’s track record reveals that he seems like a skeevy old dude with a past so checkered with deviant sexual behavior that makes R. Kelly appear pious.
6. Britney Spears – “Touch Of My Hand”
Britney has never been the innocent type. Whether she was partying pantiless with Paris or making out with pop icons in front of millions, the quintessential teeny bop queen of the new millenium has always flaunted her wild side. So, it should come as no surprise that this tempting tale of two-finger hide & seek made her 2003 LP In The Zone. Too bad she didn’t make a video for it.
7. Kelly Rowland – “Feelin’ Me Right Now”
With another member of Destiny’s Child garnering all the spotlight, Kelly Rowland seems to have the freedom to do herself without any restrictions. “Feelin’ Me Right Now” is literally what the title suggests, with Kelly crooning about all her sexy qualities, and with the type of fellas in clubs these days, who can blame her?
8. The Divinyls – “I Touch Myself”
In 1991, I hadn’t captured my first piece of trim. In fact, I was probably still more focused on sports, hanging with friends and all kinds of things…and missed all the overt references to digital stimulation by Aussie rockers The Divinyls as “I Touch Myself” played on Top 40 radio.
9. Prince – “Darling Nikki”
We all know Prince has been sexually adventurous his whole career. If you wonder who turned out the little Purple Ranger and made him that way, point the finger at sexual muse, Nikki, whom he once met “in a hotel lobby, Masturbating with a magazine.” Nope, no shame in Nikki’s game.