What’s Your Fantasy: Rap’s Top 30 Fictional Femmes

By 02.07.12

Words by David D., Greg Whitt, Raj, Beware & Justin Tinsley

Art: Miss Dimplez

Hip-Hop is full of misogyny and sex acts with the most random, nameless women. But sometimes, rappers weave tales about ladies that hold special places in their hearts and/or spank banks. With that said, we’re going to take a look at some ladies named in classic Hip-Hop records. From Suzy Screw to Blowjob Betty to Brenda and her baby, all of these fictional lady characters are important in their own ways.

Take a look and see if you have any women like these in your address book.

1. A Tribe Called Quest – “Bonita Applebum” — 38/24/37? Good lawd! Measurements that refined remind us why Tribe didn’t hesitate to whisper sweet nothings in Ms. Applebum’s ear before the whole world, back in the early 90s.

2. The Lost Boyz – “Renee” — Even though she wasn’t too big on Philly blunts, every Lost Boyz’ listener still has a little hole in their heart over Mr. Cheeks’ fallen ghetto princess.

3. DJ Quik – “Gina Statuatorre” — Fellas. Listen to me. It doesn’t matter if she’s got better curves than a Bugatti and says things that leave your jaw scraping the floor, if she’s not of age….run. Far. Away.

4. Eric B. & Rakim – “Mahogany” — Back during his prime, The God MC didn’t hype the honeys too much. But, when a Korean-looking dime tells you she wants to have your kids and help up the bank roll, breaking out the Dom Perignon is just the logical next move.

5. Too $hort – “Blowjob Betty” — There aren’t many girls named Betty anymore. We wonder if Shorty The Pimp’s ode to this Bay Area runner is the reason why?

6. Ghostface Killah — “Beauty Jackson” – More than just some breezy Tony tried to bag at the bus stop, the other Ms. Jackson is just cig-smoking, down-ass chick. But bring the burner around her and it’s a wrap for your dreams of smashing.

7. Eminem – “Maxine” — From 1996’s Infinite, Marshall waxes poetics about an around the way girl named Maxine who has every STD known to man, but that’s not stopping the locals from running up in her. It’s so cold in the D.

8. Warren G Feat. Nate Dogg – “Annie Mae” — Now that we’re older, we really wish this song was called “Sallie Mae” with Warren and Nate driving the young lady’s car off a cliff. A classic tale about a promiscuous woman with no home training will suffice though. Nate could make doing algebra homework seem cool if he sang about a hook about it.

9. Nas – “Big Girl” — That little young girl from the neighborhood who looked 18 when she was 12? Yeah, well, she’s all grown up now. Nas tries to talk some sense into before the wolves in the hood get to her. Fathers, kiss your baby girl before she goes to sleep every night.

10. Outkast – “Suzy Screw/Sasha Thumper” — To be quite honest, these two have to be top five if we actually did a ranking. Maybe we’ll ask Big Boi next time we speak to him if Suzy and Sasha were real A-Town jumpoffs or combination of random chicks they ran through during the late 80s/early 90s.

11. Mos Def – “Ms. Fat Booty” — For better or worse, this is probably the most popular Mos Def track ever with the only exception being “Umi Says.” Chauvinistic or not, we’ve all been amazed by a phat ass. The ladies can admit this, too. Mos Def just happened to make a classic record about it. And for this, we thank him.

12. EPMD – “Jane” — Groupies and Hip-Hop aren’t some new ideology. Take “Jane,” for instance. This OG freak got down with EPMD and her exploits were so legendary they even sang her praises on wax. What’s Jane up to nowadays? Hell if we know. She probably a soccer mom by now. All we know is someone wifed that up and made an honest woman out of her.

13. Hi-Tek Feat. Ghostface Killah/Pretty Ugly – “Josephine” — If anyone can make a “Black Girl Lost” tale into something special, it’s Ghost. Poor, poor Josephine.

14. Black Rob – “Jasmine” — Robbie weaves a story straight out of an episode of CSI or something. At least Jasmine doesn’t put her finger in butt’s like whoa.

15. UTFO – “Roxanne Roxanne” — Roxanne later manifested herself into the form of a real, actual rapstress. That’s some sh*t out of Cool World.

16. Ghostface Killah, Method Man and Raekwon – “Yolanda’s House” — The crazy stuff always happens in Yolanda’s house. Dudes are running around ducking cops. Eggs are made. And Method Man is banging chicks with his peen hanging out of his boxers.

17. 2Pac – “Brenda’s Got A Baby” — There may not be a more emotional song about a woman than Pac’s tragedy about teenage pregnancy. Brenda’s story is something that we see too often on the news.

18. ABC – “Iesha” — What’s the over/under on Another Bad Creation naming the song “Iesha” just so it could rhyme with “meetcha”? How come no one’s done a “Mona, I really wanna bone ya”. Golden opportunity, rappers.

19. Hot Boys – “Kisha” — One by one the Cash Money clique explicitly narrate how they each smashed a broad named Kisha. Sucks for B.G. though; he wound up being the last one, getting everyone else’s sloppy seconds. We doubt he cared, though.

20. Diamond D – “Sally Got A One Track Mind” — Off of his 1992 album Stunts, Blunts, and Hip-Hop, D depicts a tale of a groupie who chased after any guy with any potential of doing anything. Sounds eerily like Superhead to me.

21. Outkast – “Toilet Tisha” — Big Boi delivers a classic verse, that’s more spoken word than anything, detailing a child pregnancy an a coat hanger abortion gone horribly wrong.

22. Kendrick Lamar – “Keisha’s Song/Tammy’s Song” — Young K-Dot delivers two chilling tales about the fairer sex. The first describes Keisha, the regretful prostitute who can’t find a way out of her ‘profession’ until she meets her demise, while the second details a loyal woman, Tammy, who is repeatedly betrayed by her boyfriends to the point where she decides to leave men altogether.

23. Plies – “Becky” — Mr. Pliers finds himself bored of sex “the regular way” and he’s looking to break up the monotony. Allow him to detail the many unique ways he would like that “Becky.”

24. Cam’ron & Juelz – “Marie The Hoe” (Maria, Maria Freestyle) — This duo of ignorance graces everyone with a step-by-step instruction manual of how to make “a bitch bleed in a car.” And something tell me they’re not talking about beating her.

25. AZ – “Ho Happy Jackie” — Watch your pockets around this one. Her known stomping grounds are club VIP sections, high end shopping establishments, and Miami’s Ocean Drive. She’s charming but trust me, she’s not smiling at you because she thinks you’re handsome.

26. Bubba Sparxxx – “Mz. New Booty” — A result of the best product ever sold on the best infomercial ever viewed, Mz. New Booty inspired thousands of strippers and urban “models” to enter budget hotels with two tubes of caulk, some lidocaine and a dream.

27. Camp Lo – “Krystal Karrington” — Whenever I talk to her I think “yeah she sounds good, but I don’t understand a word she’s saying.”

28. The Coup – “Tiffany Hall” — A beautiful, intelligent black woman’s insecurity about her physical features leads to her paying the ultimate price. Tragic.

29. Brand Nubian – “Slow Down” (Tropicana from Lord Jamar’s verse) — She tried to squeeze every last drop of…money. Wait, that still doesn’t sound right.

30. Slick Rick – “Indian Girl (An Adult Story)” — What can we say? Supreme storyteller MC Ricky Dee kicks the tale of a character named Davey Crockett who meets a chick named Running Rabbit who happens to own a talking, crab-infested vagina. Of course, hilarity ensues.

Bonus*: Max B Feat. Al Pac – “She Touched It In Miami” — After their fallout and before Max went to prison, The Wavy One embarked on well publicized crusade against Jim Jones. The most damning moment came with the scathing diss record towards Jim’s longtime girlfriend, Chrissy, “She Touched It In Miami,” where Max claims “everybody had that pussy.” Biggaveli also says she loves it in her fanny, an interesting tidbit she shared with him while they partied at Club Opium. Talk about “Love & Hip-Hop.”

* So incendiary it had to be included.

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