Maybe it’s been the amount of free time I’ve had this week, but I’ve been catching up with this television show called The News and it’s pretty interesting. I’ve learned a lot. The biggest thing I’ve learned has been that there are a lot of people out in the world that suck. Not in the sexy way either.
Then, the wildest thing happened the other day. I was walking around the woods and some guy named Virgil took me on a trip. He showed me a few circles of Hell and where each of this week’s evildoers will end. Can someone remind me to re-up on my ‘shrooms when this list is done?
First Circle: Entertainment
Jeff Zucker: Jeff Zucker is that guy in the room that doesn’t understand the appeal of Nas, but he thinks Plies is dope. In case you don’t know, Jeff runs NBC and is responsible for the biggest clusterfrick to hit late night since Magic Johnson. Conan, whom we all love is being ousted while Jeff and company try to find a spot for Jay Leno, who hasn’t been funny since televisions went to color. Now, Zucker is trying to blackball Conan. For this, the entertainment circle is all yours alone. Don’t worry, I’m sure BET will do something to land itself here next week.
Punishment: Zucker will be forced to watch never-ending battles of comedic wit between Jay Leno and Jimmy Fallon. And when he tries to speak, his sentences will come out with the grammatical accuracy of a Magic Johnson haiku.
Second Circle: Sports
Mark McGwire: Congratulations Marky, you confessed to using steroids. A decade later. This is why people are upset with MLB players using steroids more than any other sport: by the time a baseball player is caught using steroids, he’s already broken every record and gotten away with it! Shawne Merriman got caught with steroids his rookie year. McGwire got caught in 2010. This is why MLB fails. And you, Mark, saying that you would have still hit 70 homers without steroids is simply dumb. They didn’t help your performance? Shoot yourself…um…not with ‘roids.
Punishment: Mark will spend the rest of his life in a men’s bathroom stall with his pants down getting needled in the right cheek by large men.
NCAA Football: I wish I could steal a few hundred bucks from my job, then quit and go to a different company so my old job wouldn’t be able to punish me for theft. Wait, that doesn’t work? Oh yeah, the real world. I forgot. Pete Carroll violated a bunch of NCAA rules and before the hammer gets lowered on him, he jets to the NFL. His replacement at USC is Lil’ Wayne’s favorite coach, Lane Kiffin. Lane promised a bunch of kids who put their futures in his hand that he’d be there for them in Tennessee, only to bounce to USC. Meanwhile, there are about a hundred kids in both programs who don’t know what to do next. There is no honor amongst thieves and the NCAA has created a system that allows these [adult] thieves to run rampant with no consequences.
Punishment: This ain’t the NCAA here in the TSS circles of Hell. Both of these coaches and the NCAA administration will be tackled by every single person to ever play NCAA football. Then they have to sit through Phsyics 101 just beause.
Third Circle: Local Government
Jackson, MS: Remember what you used to think 2010 would be like? Flying cars, jet packs and virtual reality. Automated Telepathic Robo Beejays. Well, my city doesn’t have any fucking water. Jackson, MS has faced death-defying 20 degree temperature over the last week, causing over 70 water mains in the city to burst. Now apparently the water is contaminated and Jackson is in a state of emergency. Schools and businesses are closed. And I spent an hour in my local grocery store buying gallons of water. We have no clue when the situation is going to get fixed. I don’t even know if I can shower and Friday was my shower day so somebody should let me know.
Punishment: My local government will purify its soul in the waters of Lake Minnetonka. First, said lake will be filled with donkey urine. I bet Tiger Woods won’t be lacking any H2O as he purges himself of that horny little devil.
Fourth Circle: Politics
Pat Robertson and Rush Limbaugh: Pat Robertson said that Haiti, by rejecting French imperialism, made a pact with the devil and deserved the earthquake. Rush Limbaugh said that Obama will use his aid to Haiti to garner good will with the Black (or is it Negro) community. So this earthquake is kind of a good thing, see?
Punishment: No jokes here. They should just go to Hell. For real.