Words By GuevaraGhostOriginally Posted On 9.30.05
…I fell asleep after all the madness.
So anyway, I go home and get myself cleaned up after getting Harlem Shook. It wasn’t pretty but I’m over it. I hope my mouth didn’t write a check my Harlem Shake skills can’t cash.
I just put on my game face and got ready for the contest. So I show up at school and get signed in. They give me a trucker hat with my number on it and said I was gonna be in Group 6. The gym was PACKED. Poppin’ Pete was already there gassing up the crowd by doing some unintentionally homo-erotic dance routine with “Funky Brewster.”
I just gave them a stoneface and sat down with Anna to wait for my group to be called.
The contest gets going and I’m starting off strong. Kids are just dropping like flies. 100 turns to 80…60…40 and I’m still in there. The judges are like “YOU, OUT…YOU OUT!” I’m in the Top 20 but unfortunately so are the usual suspects: Pete, Hank and them.
I know this is the time to put my Harlem Shake skills in OVERDRIVE. I start doing all types of combos: bounce combos, hop combos, cheddar cheese pretzel Combos, you name it. Anna’s on the side doing her little offbeat German Polka shuffle to the music but I can feel her support. BOOM, five more people go down including Funky Brewster!
Right now my legs are crazy and I’m just rockin’ steady. Its like I’m channeling Crazy Legs or something. I’m pretty much having a seizure on the dance floor. I had to fight off one teacher from trying to stick a wallet in my mouth. He thought I was gonna swallow my tongue or something. People couldn’t believe what they’re seeing. I’m in the top ten!
So then I go into this Bankhead Bounce shake just trying to keep up with Poppin Pete and everybody else. Then a little Dirty Bird shake with a smooth transition into the Robot. Johnny 5 was alive! Now a few more kids get eliminated!
The top five is me, “Willie Wiggles,” “Poppin’ Pete,” “Newman Beatbox” and this kid who’s not part of Pete’s crew, “Dance Armstrong.”
So I set it off with this hybrid Dame Dash dice roll shake. I;m doing the shake with my left and trying to roll trips with my right. I’m dropping invisible singles on the floor, blowing on my imaginary dice, all that. It’s like I’m playing Cee-lo….with myself, right there on the dance floor.
Beatbox & Wiggles get cut!
Now it’s top three and I’m starting to freak out. Dance Armstrong is coming on strong and Poppin Pete is doing his usual thing. I come out of nowhere with some “Lord of The Dance” type footwork combined with a Savion Glover-type tap step. It didn’t faze either of them.
I see Dance Armstrong starting to slow down a little so I decide to hit him with the Flintstone Flop. As soon as he sees that he just runs out of steam and hits the floor! He’s OUT!
This is it, the finals! I’m not a big Phil Collins fan but I can feel it coming in the air tonight. I’ve been waiting for this moment all my life, oh lord.
Me versus Poppin’ Pete in the showcase showdown! The judges tell us this is gonna be a winner take all, no holds barred, sudden death Shake off! We were like two gladiators in the Roman Coliseum except, instead of swords, our weapon of choice was dance. We start going at it and the place is going absolutely bananas.
I’m movin’ & groovin’. Pete’s shuckin’ & jivin’. We’re going back and forth, it’s a dead heat.
I start doing this year 2019 slow motion ghetto Matrix bullet-time Shake. People couldn’t believe it. Pete looked stumped. He looked at the judges and was like “Is that even legal?’
I just told him: “A real man doesn’t have to say NO SLO-MO!”
The crowd was like “OOOOOOHHHHHHH!!!”
We keep going back and forth but I can see Pete is fazed. He’s starting to get tired and his Harlem Shake looks like it’s drifting towards the Upper West Side. I’m just doing a fist pump shake and a two-step. My adrenaline is pumping and it look like Pete’s legs are gonna buckle.
I felt like Subzero when I heard Anna’s sweet German accent slice through the crowd and yell “FINISH HIM!”
I know what had to be done. I just start shaking double time, triple time. The whole crowd was a huge blur, it was surreal. I slow down for a sec and look him right in the eye. The place goes silent. I just said “TIMBEEEEEERRRRR” then brushed the dirt off his shoulder.
THE KID JUST TOPPLED OVER!
I WON! Everybody came pouring out of the bleachers and rushed me. It was insanse! Anna couldn’t stick her tongue down my throat fast enough. They ended up giving me this GIANT cardboard check for $1000. YES! I got the money, power, and finally some RESPECT. I felt like a LOX song!
As of today Mom’s Benz is officially in the shop getting fixed and I got $50 left over to try and buy my way into Anna’s pants. CRAZIEST day of my life, I’m still trying to recover…
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