Original Story Of The Day: White Guy Blames Inequality On Lazy Black Kids

12.13.11 6 years ago 52 Comments

Stop me if you’ve heard this one before: Obama makes a speech about inequality in education. White guy responds with long-winded essay on how he would be able to succeed if he were Black because of his ability to pull himself up by his loafer-straps. Here’s a snippet:

“If I was a poor black kid I would first and most importantly work to make sure I got the best grades possible. I would make it my #1 priority to be able to read sufficiently. I wouldn’t care if I was a student at the worst public middle school in the worst inner city. Even the worst have their best. And the very best students, even at the worst schools, have more opportunities. Getting good grades is the key to having more options. With good grades you can choose different, better paths. If you do poorly in school, particularly in a lousy school, you’re severely limiting the limited opportunities you have.

And I would use the technology available to me as a student. I know a few school teachers and they tell me that many inner city parents usually have or can afford cheap computers and internet service nowadays. That because (and sadly) it’s oftentimes a necessary thing to keep their kids safe at home then on the streets. And libraries and schools have computers available too. Computers can be purchased cheaply at outlets like TigerDirect and Dell’s Outlet. Professional organizations like accountants and architects often offer used computers from their members, sometimes at no cost at all.”

Welp, glad this guy’s got it figured out. Of course, nowhere in his essay does he mention racism, substance abuse or crime rates. Nope. Just go online and buy computers you lazy ass Black kids. By the way, no word yet on if Mr. Marks has donated any computers to any schools in inner-city Philadelphia. Seriously, can we put a moratorium on old white guys making articles where they put themselves in the shoes of other ethnicities/genders and offer sweeping, short-sighted solutions? (You count in this, too, Jimi Izrael). Thank you, old white sage, but, “if I were a woman, I’d just get raped less” isn’t quite productive. It’s as if Black kids are out there working really hard to stay at the bottom of the food chain while women are looking to get subjugated at every turn. I don’t think that’s how it works.

“If I was a poor black kid I would get technical. I would learn software. I would learn how to write code.”

Oooh! I want to try.

“If I were three inches taller, I’d dunk. And perfect a fadeaway. And sign a multi-million dollar deal with Nike to get my shoe released.” Shit, this is fun!

Let me try one more time. If I were a semi-racist blogger with entitlement issues and totally unaware of socioeconomics in America, I’d write an incredibly stupid story about how easy it is to succeed in the Black community. I’d title it “If I Was A Poor Black Kid.” Then, before turning the story in, I’d go buy nifty grammar software. I’d research. And I’d realize that proper grammar is “If I Were A Poor Black Kid” so I wouldn’t look like a total fucking idiot.

But see, I’m not you, Mr. Marks. So I didn’t do that.

Update: It looks like Mr. Marks used his extensive software knowledge to find out what those green squiggly lines under his words mean, so he changed the title to the grammatically correct “If I Were A Poor Black Kid.” Unfortunately, there’s no underline that says “you really shouldn’t publish that stupidity” available on Microsoft Word so the article itself is still online.

But don’t worry, we saved the original version for you.


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