Thank God the Red Sox Are Out of Playoff Contention
The Hurricanes Were Better When They Were Doing Cocaine

The Panthers and Eagles Refused to Win

By 09.18.06

The Panthers had a 13-6 lead with ten minutes left in the game when punt returner Chris Gamble threw a grounder across the field that the Vikings recovered. It was like watching special ed kids try to reenact the Music City Miracle. The Vikings then scored a TD off a fake field goal, then won in overtime.

The Eagles were winning 24-7 in the fourth quarter when they decided to stop playing football. A Giants fumble became a Giants TD. The Eagles fumbled; the Giants scored. And Eli Manning put together a field goal drive from his own 20 with less than a minute and no timeouts — with the help of Eagle Trent Cole, whose misconduct penalty gave Jay Feely a 35-yard attempt instead of a 50-yarder. The Giants won 30-24 in overtime.

I salute the Panthers and Eagles. It takes real effort to fuck things up so gigantically. I hereby name them inaugural winners of the Matt Millen Award for Extraordinary Incompetence.

The trophy is a bronzed turd painted with the shattered dreams of Lions fans.


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