I don't pretend to understand college football or the South, so the combination of those things that makes the SEC is particularly incomprehensible to me. But apparently the mascots attack opponents on the sidelines:
Smokey IX, Tennessee's bluetick coonhound mascot, has been accused of biting an Alabama player before last week's game at Neyland Stadium.
There are all sorts of extenuating circumstances, like the wide receiver fell on the dog while going out of bounds trying to catch a pass, but let's focus on the important issues here: "bluetick coonhound" is an actual breed? I mean, I'm a purebred poonhound, but coonhound? I didn't realize Southerners would embrace a mascot that kind of reinforces the redneck stereotype. Oh wait, I forgot about T-Rac.
Anyway, if the Titans and Vols are any example — and when is Tennessee NOT an example to the rest of the country? — it's now cool for mascots to attack players. So the smart thing for owners to do is re-name their franchises to something especially terrifying, like the Gun-Toting Jaded Suburban Teenagers. Or Joey Porter's Dogs. Or the Flying Sharks.
Man, is there anything scarier than flying sharks? You just aren't safe anywhere. They're nature's greatest predator.