A week ago last Sunday — January 14th, for you fancy calendar types — I actually left my apartment to do some good ol' fashioned journalistic work. That is to say, as promised, I attended Amateur Female Jello Wrestling on Manhattan's Lower East Side.
And friends, I have a shocking exposé: the event is more about the women wrestlers having fun than it is about men leering at women fighting in Jell-O. I know, I know: weird, right? But apparently the organizers aren't lying when — as they say on their website, jellowrestle.com — they claim that the event is "a Female-run Sports Satire [that mixes] showmanship and sportsmanship into a fun event where women get to show off their sense of humor as well as their bootie!"
Like, sure, I had fun, but where were the post-bout makeout sessions? And of all the wrestlers, only the dyke-y lesbian (not pictured – duh) delivered a vicious crowd-pleasing wedgie to her opponent.
Anyway, if you're into things like "facts" and "reporting," the Ice Queen (in blue) lost to the Italian Princess of Power (final picture) in the championship bout, probably because the Ice Queen hired an effete loser to be her manager and say lame things in between fights. Also pictured: the Brown Bunny, who put off going home to bed — she had to work the next morning — so she could stay and fight; and event creator Dana Sterling (pink bra), who engaged in an ad hoc exhibition fight due to an incomplete playoff bracket. Because it is, after all, amateur female jello wrestling.