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POWER RANKINGS: LOVE AND EXONERATION

By / 04.13.07

Is there anything worse in the sports media than completely senseless weekly power rankings? Well, no. Except people who actually have some kind of emotional investment in power rankings.

Do you care about other people's power rankings? If you answered yes, then you are a dipshit. If not, then these are the power rankings for you.

1. ScarJo.  The most recent gossip says she's hooking up with Ryan Reynolds.  Oh, c'mon!  Who even saw Blade: Trinity?  If she's going to slum she may as well date a sports blogger.

2. Duke Lacrosse.  Vindicated, bitches!  Finally rich white people can walk the streets again. 

3. One-armed men.  Not just for killing Dr. Kimble's wife!

4. Inline Skating.  Sure, I'm a fan.  Naked Kiwi blonde teenagers tend to have that effect on me, though.

5. The Laminated List Fantasy Draft.  Why?  They made me the second inductee to their Visionary Thinking Hall of Fame.  Flattery shall get you everywhere, friends.

6. The NHL Playoffs. Christie Brinkley can blog about all the neverending games.

7. Felix Hernandez.  I've got high expectations after he one-hit Boston.  And I'm keeping tabs on the people who think Matsuzaka's better, because I expect apologies.

8. Dwight Howard.  It ain't often I'll put something heartwarming on this site.  Howard's a worthy exception.

9. You Don't Love Me Yet.  Jonathan Lethem's new novel.  Not his best work, but it makes fun of hipsters in LA.  Worth a read.

10. The Internet.  Absolutely the best place for spreading unsubstantiated rumors about assholes.


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