Chelsea star Frank Lampard — seen here with partner Elen Rives — has been unable to come to terms for a new contract with the EPL juggernaut. Why might that be? Because his demands are too fucking awesome:
Mr. Lampard is to be addressed as "Mr. Lampard" at all times, including in the match day programme, by the match announcer and by all other players, including on the pitch, with the exception of Mr. John Terry. In addition: The match day announcer is to read Mr. Lampard's name in a louder and more enthusiastic voice than the other players, with the exception of Mr. Terry.
Employees of Chelsea Football Club, including the playing staff, are not to make eye contact with Mr. Lampard in the dressing room or on the field of play, even when celebrating goals or congratulating Mr. Lampard on his exceptional play, with the exception of Mr. John Terry. Upon scoring a goal, Mr. Lampard is to be unmolested by fellow players for at least five ("5") seconds, in order to perform a celebration as he deems appropriate. When the rest of the team then embraces him, they may not touch him below the waist.
Mr. Lampard is to be provided with a separate dressing and changing area both at Stamford Bridge and away grounds, of four-star hotel quality or better. The lavatory seat is to be new and sealed. Mr. Lampard's dressing room is to be painted white or off-white and decorated with two ("2") vases of white lilies and a baby grand piano (white or off-white).
He didn't ask for the golden toilet? Such restraint.