What is there to say about the Patriots? In last night's 34-13 victory over the Bengals — the narrowest margin of New England's 4-0 season — the Pats continued to look like the Wehrmacht circa 1940. Tom Brady had a modestly excellent game, Randy Moss had 100+ yards and two TDs again (he now has 500+ yards and 7 TDs in four games), and the defense was typically dominant while the offense maintained possession for over 37 minutes. AND Brady has a supermodel girlfriend AND their coach is the smartest in the game and God just shoot me. Just shoot us all.
And what of the Bengals? Injuries have depleted an already thin defense, and the high-powered offense has struggled the last two weeks with the loss of starting running back Rudi Johnson. It's a shame to see the Bengals at 1-3 — between their reputation for troubles with the law, Chad Johnson's good-natured celebrations, and Carson Palmer's love of wieners, I just want to give Bengals fans a hug. One of those hugs where they try to pull away while I've still got them wrapped up. Then I'll let my hands linger too low while I close-talk some words of reassurance in their ears, maybe let them know where to find me later and what I could do to them.
Hey, I'm just trying to help. Being sexually harassed really takes your mind off sports.