As Deadspin noted yesterday, Cincinnati officials were looking for a way to deal with the pigeon infestation at Paul Brown Stadium, which has led to several customers dealing with pigeon shit in their food and drink. Sanitary! Alas, the plan to shoot the pigeons has been delayed, because guess who got involved:
People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals spoke out against the plan Friday, encouraging Mayor Mark Mallory to reject the stadium's request. PETA offered to help develop other solutions such as netting, noise makers and porcupine wire that discourage birds from roosting…
Team officials have said they're looking into other ideas, such as strobe lights, netting or noise makers to get rid of the birds.
Good Lord. Why are people such pussies? It's not like the stadium is the last natural habitat for snow leopards. They're fuckin' pigeons, man. Flying rats. Cockroaches with feathers. And there's no kind of pest control for them in cities because they have no predators. FUCK the pigeons. Send me out to Cincinnati and give me six hours in that stadium with a ballpeen hammer. Boom, no more pigeons.
But that's my solution for everything. Sorry, I just think "me + six hours + ballpeen hammer" can solve most of the world's problems. Maybe not Darfur, but definitely AIDS. And hobos.