The Wisconsin Badgers travel to the well-lit Hubert H. Humphrey Metrodome today to take on the mighty Minnesota Golden Gophers to renew the oldest and most-played rivalry in Division I-A football. Of course they will play for Paul Bunyan's Ax because these states have nothing redeeming and are forced to compete for imaginary implements. They used to play for a slab of bacon, but that part of the country is much more health conscious now. If you thought they were just a region of worthless fat fucks, you were wrong. And the girls – top notch. Why don't they have any other Tall Tale college football trophies? Who wouldn't love to see a game for John Henry's hammer, Sally Hemmings' enchanted petticoat, or Joseph Smith's magic golden tablets? In other Big Ten Trophy action today:
- The Sweet Sioux Tomahawk: Northwestern vs. Illinois – The Fightin' Illini appear to be in line for the win and also appear to enjoy pissing off Indians.
- The Old Oaken Bucket: Purdue vs. Indiana – Interestingly, this bucket is not referred to as "old" in the state of Indiana. This simple pail represents the height of technological advancement to the Boilermakers and Hoosiers.
- The Land Grant Trophy: Penn State vs. Michigan State – lame.
Oh yeah, Ohio State is playing Michigan for the trophy they compete for nearly every year – the Big Ten Championship trophy. -KD