So, remember how last week I went ahead with an ugly rumor about how Giants defensive end Osi Umenyiora maybe defecates on his love interests? Well, I'm not saying you should read too much into this gossip item, but you certainly can read too much into it, and it's definitely fun if you do.
Umenyiora, who is dating Victoria's Secret model Selita Ebanks, told Fox Business Network's Rebecca Gomez, "Yes, I have a girlfriend. Kind of girlfriend. I'm a very difficult guy to love. I have issues. Abandonment issues from when I was younger, psychological issues. I have a tough time truly committing myself."
Quick translation guide:
- "Yes, I have a girlfriend. Kind of girlfriend." — I don't consider a woman my girlfriend until I drop a steaming load on her.
- "I'm a very difficult guy to love." — Most girls don't like wearing feces.
- "I have issues." — Show of hands, who else thinks taking a dump is erotic?
- "I have a tough time truly committing myself" — I have a tough time truly committing myself… to shitting on just one woman.
(Just kidding, Osi! Go Giants?)