PAM AND DENISE PARTY LIKE IT'S 1989
Crooked I - Hip Hop Weekly #44

SUPER BOWL REPORT: NOTHING TO REPORT

By 01.30.08

With Leather editor/patriarch Matt Ufford is in Arizona for Super Bowl festivities.  He will file daily reports from Arizona until at least Monday, February 4th. 

First, let me say one thing: holy fuck am I bored.

With that out of the way, let me get down to what I've been up to (No good! LOL!).  My flight landed around 10:30 local last night, and I had to wait for-goddam-ever for my luggage because apparently the Phoenix Airport only has like two baggage handlers (heh… "baggage handlers").  Of course, it would have been easier to only take a carry-on bag, but when you travel with as many stuffed animals as I do, your bag doesn't fit in the overhead.

So I finally get my luggage and rental car, and I talk on the phone to some of the other bloggers in the area (all of whom have credentials, thanks for LITERALLY NOTHING AT ALL, FanHaus and AOL parent.  Glad your NFL columnist is such a fucking high priority).  Chris Mottram wants me to come downtown and drink, and as much as getting a DUI late at night after a six-hour flight sounds totally awesome, I take a rain check for the next night.  I also talk to Sports Bog's Dan Steinberg.

Me: What are you doing tomorrow?
Steinz: I don't know.  I was going to go to the team press conferences in the morning, but today [Media Day] was so depressing I don't think I can do it again.  What about you?
Me: You should come with me to the NFL Experience.  I wanna take some video of me sucking at the different events they have set up.

So we check the events schedule, and Wednesday is Kids Day at the NFL Experience.  So that's out.  Fucking kids.  Always getting in the way of my fun.  "You have to pay child support wah wah wah."  It's like sheesh, I moved to a different state, how'd you get this number?

Now it's today, Wednesday.  I've got no access to anything and no way to get to Radio Row, which is the only remotely interesting NFL-related thing today. [NOTE: I know some of you sports radio homos read this site, email me and invite me on your show already.]  So I've kind of just used today to relax and get ready for the rest of the week.  I woke up late, went to the gym for a workout of such blistering white-hot intensity that it briefly blotted out the sun, then tried to go for a dip in the hot tub. 

And you know how steam comes off of hot tubs on chilly nights?  Well, steam was coming off this hot tub in 65-degree weather, which probably should have been an indicator that this was no pleasant Whirlpool but an angry cauldron of hell.  Smart guy that I am, I figured it out right after scalding my feet.  Then for good measure, I was like, "no way is a hot tub actually too hot."  So I put one foot back in and kept it in long for tears to start streaming down my face.

This was at 11 a.m.  I was outside in a swimsuit by the pool, so I decided to get some sun, because a couple people have noted in the past that I have a fair complexion.  I laid down, listened to some classical music, and just relaxed.  Ahhh, this is so nice, I thought.  Some time by myself, relaxing in the sun.  No email or Internet or any of the stuff that ordinarily consumes my life.  AHHH GODDAMMIT I'M BORED.  But it was a nice twenty minutes while it lasted.

So yeah, I'm bored out of my damn mind.  But things will pick up in tomorrow's report, even if I have to go to casinos and strip clubs tonight to make it happen.  That's the kind of thing I'm willing to do for my readers.  Oh, and here's a loose schedule of highlights for the rest of the week.

Thursday: NFL Experience, Deadspin party
Friday: Try in vain to get into Maxim party, get drunk
Saturday: Penthouse Party
Sunday: I guess there's a football game? 

I'll be back tomorrow with better adventures, pictures, and that same rakish devil-may-care attitude that drives the ladies so wild.  Rowr-ROWR!  Here comes trouble!  I'm gonna show those stuffed animals what a tea party really is!


TAGSADVENTURES IN JOURNALISMFAT FUCKS

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