NBA — The Celtics closed out the Cavs with a 97-92 Game 7 win. LeBron finally had a LeBron game (45 points), but unfortunately for Cleveland fans, his teammates were still the Cavaliers. Paul Pierce, playing the role of LeBron James's green-and-white foil, poured in 41 points, including the game-sealing free throws.
NHL — The Penguins closed out the Flyers with a 6-0 Game 5 blowout, granting the Pens their first Stanley Cup Finals appearance since I don't care. They'll face Detroit in the Finals just as soon as the Red Wings finish toying with the Stars.
Horseys — At Saturday's Preakness, it looked like a close race until the final stretch began, at which point Big Brown blew the field away. Margin of victory: 5¼ lengths, and it would have been more if jockey Kent Desormeaux hadn't let up. According to my NO FEAR bumper sticker, Macho Again and Icabad Crane were the first and second losers.
Tennis — Rafael Nadal defeated Roger Federer 7-5, 6-7 (3), 6-3 to win the Hamburg Masters, the only major clay tournament that Nadal had yet to win. Nadal is now 8-1 against Federer on clay, and 2-5 on other surfaces. Other surfaces do not include water, the moon, or the long mahogany table at a board of investors meeting, though, so take that with a grain of salt.
MLB — Just three more months of playing games every single goddam day until pennant races heat up. Let's see if I can wait to care a little longer. Yup, I think I can.