THE RANT MUST GO ON
JABBA THE PUTZ GOES TO WASHINGTON

REVENGE ASSAULT COMPLETES ROAD TRIP

By 06.26.08

Last Sunday's Seattle Times had a doozy of a write-up on the terrific state of Washington State's football program.  Over the last year and a half, no fewer than 25 players "have been arrested or charged with offenses that carry possible jail time."  And none of those incidents is as eyeball-searingly awesome as the following story, which must be read in its entirety, because every detail RULES:

Andy Mattingly, a linebacker coming off an outstanding sophomore season, was in Spokane in late January when a friend called for help. His front teeth had just been punched out in an argument with some soccer players from North Idaho College, he said.

The friend joined up with Mattingly and Trevor Mooney, a WSU tight end. The three went to Coeur d'Alene, Idaho, where two of the soccer players, a goalie and a midfielder, shared an apartment.

First, they knocked. Then, Mattingly kicked in the door. The midfielder grabbed a steak knife, the goalie a butter knife. Mattingly picked up a frying pan off the stove.

The midfielder jumped out a window. This left the goalie — Cesar Lira, 5 feet 10, armed with a butter knife — to contend with Mattingly, a 6-4 linebacker swinging heavy kitchenware.

Mattingly hit Lira's head so hard the pan's handle broke, court records say. Lira got back up, jumped out a window and called police. He had a 2-inch gash and was "bleeding profusely," a police report says.

When police arrested Mattingly and Mooney, Mooney was so drunk he vomited while being booked.

That's basically the coolest road trip ever.  Revenge, breaking and entering, kitchen face-offs pitting soccer versus football, head bludgeoning, drunken vomiting, the police — if some writer can squeeze in a love story, this is the best movie of the year.  Even better than The Love Guru.

[Every Day Should Be Saturday]


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