'EBERT & ROEPER' TO BECOME '&'
MCCONAUGHEY TRIES TO BE BUSEY, FAILS

ARRESTED COKE DEALER ALSO A CARD DEALER

By / 07.22.08

William Hermes, a 49-year-old Illinois man, was arrested for selling 1.5 grams of cocaine to a police informant, but lucky for him he's slinging more than just blow these days. He's got his respectable cover as a seller of baseball cards to back up his more illicit dealings. I'm sure like dollar bills, every baseball card has trace amounts of cocaine on it. Also fanboy semen, of course.

When police searched him after the arrest, they found $1,400 in Hermes' pocket and moved to seize the money.

Under forfeiture laws, Day said, any money confiscated during a drug arrest is assumed to be profit from drug sales unless the person with the money can prove it is not.

"He told the officers he was a baseball card collector and that he had just sold an Ernie Banks rookie card," Day said. "It certainly was the most interesting story I have heard under these circumstances, but we had to check it out."

The judge sentenced Hermes to two years probation and levied a $1,000 fine. All told, he comes up $400 in the black. That's the power of diversification, kids. How else can the authors of this site cover the punitive costs of hooker killing charges? Sure, the crime only carries a fine of $1.45 in most states (74 cents in Nevada)but it adds up after a few particularly bloody sprees, you know? The real killer is the hike in chainsaw fuel. 


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