The biggest, hugest, most spotlightedest supernova of a story following Week One’s Sunday spate of games, obviously, is Tom Brady’s torn ACL that will cost him the rest of the season. While Patriot haters bask in sunny pools of hatred, it’s a potentially devastating blow to New England’s hopes for a return to the Super Bowl, and — much more importantly — a kick in the balls to fantasy owners who took him in the first round. By which I mean me. God dammit.
Of course, Matt Cassel stepped in to lead the Pats over the Chiefs, so Brady’s not quite worthy of receiving the Suck-Off’s top prize; there was simply too much sucking that was far superior to that freak incident. Notably, the Browns, Texans, Rams, and Seahawks all looked like ass in embarassing losses. The first three, at least, have the excuse that the Cowboys, Steelers, and Eagles are all more talented squads, while the Seahawks looked lazy and uncoached as the Bills’ special teams decided the game.
Elsewhere, extra-special sucking was accomplished by the Lions and Bengals, who both lost to rookie quarterbacks making their first start. Perhaps the Lions can be forgiven (simply because they’re the Lions), but the Bengals’ anemic offensive performance against the Ravens, but the Bengals’ anemic offensive performance (154 net yards) was the kind of sucking that could land them a role in a Vincent Gallo movie.
So, who sucked hardest?
Tom Brady. Definitely Brady. Up there where I said he didn’t deserve it? I lied. Cocksucker just killed my fantasy season. I hereby demand an injury to LaDainian Tomlinson so I can start Darren Sproles.