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POWER RANKINGS: PICK UP THE PACE

By 05.29.09

You know why everyone gets bent out of shape over power rankings? Because they always suck, without fail. Except when we do them. Then they kick ass.

1. Jessiqa Pace. She’s the woman who nearly stopped that Formula One race in Monaco. Also stopping tonight: my streak of avoiding self-mutilation.

2. LeBron James. He has carried his team to Game 6, but can they get to Game 7?

3. Homeland security. Barack Obama bobbleheads seized at the border? I don’t know if that qualifies as irony, but it’s still awesome.

4. Old-School Ads. Here’s a wonderfully sexist ad for Suburu circa 1970. Oh, what it must have been like to objectify women in mass marketing. Glad that never happens today.

5. the University of South Carolina. It’s hilarious that they call themselves “USC,” for one thing, but then they celebrate being over .500 with a full-page newspaper ad? Keep on telling yourselves how great you are, South Carolina. Eventually, somebody foolish enough will actually believe you.

Oh, and that totally reminds me of this. How did that pep talk go, Dr. Lou?

5. The MMA career of Jose Canseco. I smell another book deal!

6. Percy Harvin. Wisdom and age aren’t always directly correlated.

7. Pandas. Not to go totally panda-free this week, here’s a photo of a little panda born in Thailand. I mean…that’s either a panda or a penis with an arm.

8. The Cleveland tourism videos. In fact, TNT got Mike Polk creator to make another one. Awesome.

9. Bacon. Not even Bacon can avoid getting his phone stolen in New York.

10. Twitter. Still pointless.


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