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15 QUESTIONS I WOULD ASK TIM TEBOW

By / 07.22.09

Noted web writer and ESPN alumnus Dan Shanoff is especially looking forward to the 2009 college football season, as he’s started a blog dedicated to a single player–Florida Gators quarterback Tim Tebow. Tim TeBlog will be covering the guy who might be the best player in his sport, and perhaps also its most polarizing. The list of Tebow’s humanitarian deeds coupled with his devout Christian background seems to turn off a lot of fans. Adding to the hate is the fact that Tebow plays in the ultra-competitive Southeastern Conference, the veritable ground zero of elite college football.

With the Gators’ media day tomorrow, Shanoff put out a call for potential questions to ask the Heisman Trophy winner, I guess because editing a blog about one player is just too much work to write your own stuff. I’m kidding, Dan. Anyway, what follows is a list of queries prepared by yours truly, designed to tap into the raw human essence that is Tim Tebow.

  1. Why do you wear a headset on the sideline? Is it because nobody else on the bench wants to talk to you?
  2. Tim, who’s the better golfer? You? Or Jesus?
  3. Tim, are there prostitutes in heaven? You know, cheap ones that aren’t ugly?
  4. Can I call you Timmy?
  5. Why does Christian rock suck so badly? Is it because they can’t do drugs?
  6. Does Verne Lundquist bite when he’s sucking you off during SEC games?
  7. Tim, how much cocaine could I safely hide in my foreskin?
  8. Tim, does SEC speed come in chewable tablets? I’ve got a tough week coming up at work and could really use the boost.
  9. Tim, why don’t you just tell God to pick a national champion and save us all the trouble?
  10. Tim, if you found out you had a gay teammate, how long would you wait before attempting to rehabilitate him? What if he was hot?
  11. What’s the difference between an alligator and a crocodile? I can never tell.
  12. When you lost to Ole Miss last year, did you think that was God’s way of saying, “Hey, stop kissing my ass so much”?
  13. While you were circumcising children in the Philippines, did you ever mutter to yourself, “Phili-penis” and laugh? Because that’s pretty funny.
  14. Does the bible say anything about killing people that use their cell phones in a movie theatre?
  15. Anal doesn’t count as premarital sex…does it?

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