I’m playing in nine fantasy football leagues this year, so it stands to reason that I should parlay some of that time spent thinking about those “games” into something I can post each week and give you, dear reader, someplace to vent where no one else will. Nobody cares about your fantasy football team? I care. Sort of.
I like fantasy football. It’s one of the few things on this earth that I enjoy doing with other people. It’s one of those fun, silly things that brings people together and gives everyone an extra stake in the Sunday games. But it still has this nerd rep that it really doesn’t deserve. How could it still be so nerdy if all of us are doing it?
This column will soon have an awesome name, but for now, just bask in the anticipation. The anticipation is always the best part, anyway. That’s what Mother always says. Anyway, even if you’re too busy to read all of this, leave your own comments about your fantasy team after the jump so the rest of us can make fun of you for using a waiver claim on Matt Hasselbeck.
Gratuitous Recap Of My Gratuitous Fantasy Participation In Week 1.
DayQuil Fighter Of The NyQuil, BFL: WON. So I’m in this Blogger Fantasy League sponsored by P&G. You might know P&G as that one company that makes everything. And I guess they have too much money laying around, because they invited me and 11 other high-profile blogger-types into this fantasy league for the chance to win P&G products, a donation to a local charity, and a trip to Super Bowl XLV. And they’re paying for it! Oh, by the way, The NFL Entities have not offered or sponsored the sweepstakes in any way. I guess I have to mention that. Here‘s the Facebook page for the whole program called Take It To The House. Amazingly, nobody has been fired for putting this together. Yet.
ANYWAY, I was paired up with the Vicks brand, which is actually not Michael Vick Plural, but rather a brand of over-the-counter cold and flu relief products. Hey, SEASONS ARE CHANGING, PEOPLE! Hence the name and It’s Always Sunny reference. But I guess if it were always sunny, then nobody would ever get cold and flu symptoms. Maybe I’m overthinking this.
ANYWAY, I played Dan Levy in Week 1 and beat him by three points. Well, 2.46 points. Dan would have won if Roy Williams’ TD catch from the Sunday night game would have stood. I say that Dan deserved to lose for drafting Roy Williams, let alone starting him.
Bulletproof Sweatpants, JZFL: Lost. I’m in Year 5 of a keeper league that I run with friends from my first job out of college and from my wife’s graduate school program. It’s a solid group of some very fun and very smart dudes (and one lady). At least, that’s what I tell myself when I finish with four wins every year.
Some of you might know Brandon from my podcast. I actually played him twice this week. And lost both times. This was a 30-point blowout, and I can’t post his team name here, but it’s worth clicking through to find out on your own.
Whore Island Islanders, KSK Keeper League: WON. I beat Enrico from The 700 Level, a professed fantasy novice, into the ground with a 50-point drubbing. Enrico’s a Philadelphia guy, so he’s probably used to that level of abuse.
Ready Set Dogfight, UFSL: WON. This is an all-sports fantasy league that I’m doing for a second year now. I won by 30 against a guy I’m pretty sure I’ve never met.
Hey That’s My Camel, Rock Lobster League: WON. I had the genius idea of finding a way to jam another fantasy league into my schedule without burdening my waiver Wednesdays any further. In this league, we drafted 15 rounds, but we start everybody. No bench. No trades. No adds or drops. It’s a “locked roster” league, but with a much-improved name that also honors the B-52’s. Win-win.
Only two teams scored less than 90 points. I was not one of them; I won a shootout, 129-123, against some guy that I’m pretty sure crashed our league. My fantasy bouncers are coming to get you, Elisha’s Gash. [UPDATE: It's @PearlBullets. My b, Adrian.]
Box Lunch, Buy-Curious League: Lost. Online auction league, my first ever. Former WL contributor Amber Jones is actually leading the standings in this league, so obviously auction leagues are an absolute joke.
[Team name redacted], Purple Camo: WON. This is the only live-draft league I did this year, and it’s run by a big Baltimore Ravens fan. This is also the league where Sidney Rice went 17th overall TWO DAYS AFTER HE GOT HURT. If I don’t win this league I’m going to chug a bottle of VapoRub.* I am leading this league after doubling up the commish in Week 1.
[Team name redacted], Lazy Football: WON. I think this is the fifth year we’ve done a league with a one-transaction cap per week, but this year we only have six teams. Sad. I also co-manage another team with Brandon, and we won that game as well. Oh, Brandon. I knew you were good for something.
Fantasy Player That Decided To Take A Sick Day.
I had high hopes for Bills RB C.J. Spiller (and still do), but the Clemson product only had 7 carries in his team’s loss to Miami in Week 1. The Dolphins jumped to a 10-0 lead early on and never looked back. But Spiller seems to be slated to get the lions share of the carries.
Fantasy Football Video Most Likely Produced By Enemies Of The United States.
This comes to us from fellow BFLer Jerod Morris. I like Jerod Morris a lot. He does a great site and a great podcast, but after watching this video, I’m not sure that Morris is as “midwestern” as he says he is. Hey Jerod, was that shot of Beaver Stadium taken right before you flew an airplane through it?
Late Waiver Pickup That Sounds Kinda Batsh*t At First Brush. Packers running back John Kuhn is only owned in 2 percent of Yahoo! leagues, but he has value as an RB3 or maybe even an RB2, depending on how much you really hate your team right now. The injury to Ryan Grant will see that Kuhn gets more carries from scrimmage, and that’s in addition to his role as the team’s goal-line running back. Also: Mike Williams (WR, TB, 36 percent owned), Bo Scaife (TE, TEN, 8 percent).
More fantasy football next week. I know. I can’t wait, either.
*Only use VapoRub in accordance with directions on the label. Chugging VapoRub is bad and might compromise your judgement. Not “Start Roy Williams” compromised, but you get the idea.