In between playing for the United Baseball League’s Laredo Broncos and practicing mixed martial arts, former steroid user and current Major League Baseball pariah Jose Canseco has a Twitter account. I’m not going to mince words here – Jose’s Twitter is awesome. Most recently, the former Texas Rangers, Oakland Athletics, Boston Red Sox, Toronto Blue Jays, Tampa Bay Rays, New York Yankees and Chicago White Sox – in no specific order – player claimed that the show Eastbound and Down is based on his life. Because we famously remember Canseco as a foul-mouthed redneck relief pitcher.
But despite the glaring inaccuracy of his claim, Canseco believes that the show should bring him on as a consultant. And that makes sense because Canseco is f*cking broke and is desperate for anything. According to the history of his Tweets, he’s not making any money by playing in the UBL and he’s been evicted and is living in someone’s garage. Aside from that, though, Canseco is staying positive because he’s achieving his dream of still hitting home runs in a softball league at the age of 46, and he’s putting haters in their places, despite MLB’s conspiracy to keep him down.
Samples of his awesomeness after the jump.
Canseco is broke and practically homeless because he does things like not show up to book signings that he’s already been paid for. And I could sit here and write the laundry list of idiotic things he’s done since he released his book “Juiced” and nuked his bridges with MLB, but I’ll let his Tweets speak for themselves:
I need an attorney pro bono my lanlord evicted me and would not let me take my chandeleers with me ,need your help to get them back (Ed. – My favorite, absolutely killed me when I first read this)
Guys don’t be jealous cause I am tall dark and handsome and just turned 46 and have a gorgeous 23 year old girlfriend not to mention that
I want to be on pros vs joes. I can out distance and beet any human being in a home run hitting competition.I am watching the football comp
I am sleeping in someones garage but its pretty good
Mlb has gone out of there way to distroy my life and they have succeded.I didn’t realize how powerful they are till now.
I am going to be a manager of a mlb team someday
Hey golic u think I am a joke in the ring I won’t hold u up and go easy on u. Knock your fat ass out
I need an investor to open up my own baseball indoor school.if your interested please email me at firstname.lastname@example.org
I am hung like a clydesdale dammmm I am good
So if you’re keeping track at home, Canseco has a reality TV show, plays independent league baseball, wants to be a professional manager, thinks he should be a consultant on a hilarious comedy that’s actually based on guys like Mitch Williams and John Rocker, wants to fight Mike Golic, thinks that Internet haters will burn in hell, fought a 60-year old man but then chastised people who would fight a 60-year old man, is opening his own baseball school, will prove to the world that guys like he, Mark McGwire, Sammy Sosa and Juan Gonzalez should be in the Hall of Fame because they didn’t even need steroids, and has a big d*ck.
Oh yes, life is good for Jose Canseco.