The mascot for Eugene, Oregeon, is not named “Eugene.” I’m not even sure what to do with that. I feel sort of empty inside. Maybe they have a chef mascot named “Emerald?” No, they have a bright green bear with blue pubes named Sluggo. Sluggo loves Emeralds baseball, but he also loves crushing Mr. Bill and being Nancy from the comic strip “Nancy’s” gay best friend.
His bio doesn’t help. It starts with Sluggo being born and glosses over everything until he finds an abandoned pair of binoculars in the forest and starts using them to spy on the Eugene Emeralds. He wants to play baseball, but feels excluded because none of them are bright green. So he decides to become their mascot instead, and he repeats this story “anytime he meets new people at the ballpark.” Oh, so I guess when he high fived me and covered his mouth with both hands I was supposed to know all that shit about the binoculars and the forest.
Oh well, nothing says “retarded” quite like “Eugene.”
I want more like this!
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