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The Dugout: Pittsburgh Pirates Spring Training 2011 (Not Really)

By / 03.23.11

Barry Bonds is on trial for perjury in one of the biggest sports story of the year (and of the last two years, and of the next three). Bonds played for the Pirates for a while, so unless you really want to read comedy based around “we signed some young prospects, and they’re hitting like .250 in single-A, so we’re just gonna wait and see how that turns out” you’ll have to take this as your Spring Training Dugout.

The truth about Bonds is similar to the truth about Clemens. I think they both knew what they were doing, but are so delusional after decades of being deified and conversely judged that they can’t ever truly or morally understand what they’re doing. I think Barry Bonds is the type of guy who goes to the bathroom, comes out, washes his hands, takes five steps down the hall and starts wondering whether or not he needs to go to the bathroom. He can just also hit 7,000 home runs.

Today’s Dugout follows. Your comments are appreciated, as long as they aren’t in the third person. Brandon Stroud hates comments in the third person.



The Dugout

  **Online Host**
Welcome to the U.S. District Court Chatroom!
JerkNovitsky: I now present to you this stack of 900 sheets paper, with "Barry Bonds is on steroids" printed on each one

JerkNovitsky: I think you will find it incredibly informative and damning for this rich, black tyrant who must no longer be allowed to walk our streets

GoldBonds: objection judge judy the court knows barry bonds rides a hoveround
IllstonAstros: Overruled. And for the last time, I’m not Judge Judy.
JerkNovitsky: hey if you guys need it, I’ve got half a slice of pizza in a ziploc bag, Barry didn’t finish it for lunch, I dug through the trash, maybe you can use it??
Parrellegal: No further questions, your honor.
GoldBonds: whew finally time to leave
Parrellegal: The prosecution would like to call STAR WITNESS Steve Hoskins to the stand.
GoldBonds: objection, star witness? what does galileo have to do with barry bonds trial
GoldBonds: that was a joke, barry bonds is sorry please proceed
  **Online Host**
SteveHoskins has entered the chatroom.
Parrellegal: could you please raise your right hand and repeat the following, "Barry Bonds did steroids."
GoldBonds: objection
IllstonAstros: …sustained?
GoldBonds: where in the bible does it say barry bonds did that, show me the receipts. yall treating barry bonds like job, like the black job, like a worse off than white job
IllstonAstros: ugh, overruled. And it’s pronounced "Job."

GoldBonds: that’s what i said, j-o-b

job, like a job you do

IllstonAstros: no, "Job."
GoldBonds: you a bitch
Parrellegal: Mr. Hoskins, can you please tell us in which ways Barry Bonds did steroids, and how many pieces of evidence you secretly collected to prove it?
SteveHoskins: Barry Bonds asked me to research a steroid! And I saw the trainer leaving his room with a syringe!
SteveHoskins: Barry Bonds and his trainer were in the closet doing steroids and I saw the steroids and then the steroids looked at me
GoldBonds: this the man from rodger the rabbit
SteveHoskins: he also left me a voice mail asking me to stop by the grocery store on my way home to pick up tortillas, avocados and stanozolol.
IllstonAstros: Stanozo? LOL
GoldBonds: objection how you gonna listen to the man from rodger the rabbit
Parrellegal: Mr. Hoskins, when Barry Bonds started playing baseball, he had zero home runs. How many did he have when he was done?
SteveHoskins: almost 800
Parrellegal: and when he started playing baseball, he was as black as Melido Perez. Now what color is he?
SteveHoskins: bright orange
Parrellegal: and when he started playing baseball, his hat size was 7 5/8. What is it now?
SteveHoskins: almost 800
Parrellegal: so would you say Barry Bonds perjured when he said he didn’t knowingly take PEDs
SteveHoskins: I will say anything you want
GoldBonds: objection, prosecution has no idea how black of a motherf**ker melido perez were
IllstonAstros: Sustained.
GoldBonds: /makes "call me" gesture to judge
GoldBonds: so is that all the questions or is jutch doom gonna roll out here an drop buster posey in the dip
IllstonAstros: We still have a long way to go. Did you lie about doing steroids?
GoldBonds: well yeah but whats that got to do with anything
Photos link to player info. WordUpThome.com


TAGSBARRY BONDSPITTSBURGH PIRATESSAN FRANCISCO GIANTSsteroidsTHE DUGOUTthe feds

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