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MLB Wrestles Control of Dodgers Away from Bickering Wax Monsters

By / 04.21.11

Major League Baseball has taken control of the Los Angeles Dodgers in an effort to keep the storied franchise from becoming an especially terrible episode of “Yes, Dear.” The team has been “increasingly paralyzed” by the bitter divorce of its owners, Frank and Jamie McCourt, and after like two years of ham-fisted bickering and accusations of malfeasance and bodyguard-driver laying, somebody finally stepped in and said “you are milliionaires, stop acting like dumb babies.”

In news that should surprise nobody, the Dodgers themselves have no idea what is happening.

General manager Ned Colletti: “I consider it a sad day for baseball and a sad day for the Dodgers.”

Acclaimed wordsmith Don Mattingly: “It’s hard to imagine it would happen somewhere like the Dodgers, but there’s crazy stuff going on everywhere.”

Frank McCourt: “Major League Baseball sets strict financial guidelines, which all 30 teams must follow … The Dodgers are in compliance with these guidelines. On this basis, it is hard to understand the commissioner’s action today.”

McCourt added, “Oh, I’m sorry, I thought this was America.” Like any good Dodger, Frank McCourt still has visitation rights to the team, and will show up for weekend games in about the third inning, and leave by the seventh. Hopefully Selig’s actions will bring some stability and integrity back to the Dodgers franchise, and won’t collapse into nose-picking mediocrity like everything else he’s done.

Andrew Sharp of SB Nation advocates Jay-Z buying the Dodgers and moving them back to Brooklyn, which would be perfect. It’d be even better if Andre 3000 bought the Mets and moved them to Stankonia.


TAGSBUD SELIGDIVORCEFRANK MCCOURTLA DODGERSLOS ANGELES DODGERSMLB

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