(Note: This is the closest I will ever come to writing about horse racing, at least until the next time somebody guns down a horse on the track and I have to type WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU PEOPLE WHY DO YOU ENJOY THIS. Also, I won’t be covering dog racing, fox hunting, chicken choking or organized whale punching. Actually, I take that back, if Reggie Bush talks about choking his chicken on Twitter I will probably write about that.)
Sports
Tom Brady Trolls the Kentucky Derby – Tom Brady is either the coolest Eddie Blake mother-effer walking the Earth or a complete nerd idiot. I hope he shows up to next year’s Kentucky Derby in one of those two-person horse costumes and shouts to people about how he thought it was a masquerade ball. Gisele Bundchen can be the ass part of the horse. [KSK]
10 Things to Do On Sundays If There Is No Football – “Help around the house. JUST KIDDING” is funny, but “watch MLS soccer” is the one that hits closest to home. My friends are systematically trying to get me into soccer, and I’m peacefully trying to follow my routine of not enjoying something until five years after everyone’s gotten over it. I’m going to get into Scrubs in about a year and a half (haha no I’m not) – [Pineriders]
The Happiest Recap – Greg Prince continues the “Happiest Recap” series, which recaps the best game of a certain number in every Mets season ever. I’d start my own Indians blog and try to do this with The Tribe, but it’d just be “May 12, enjoyed the hot dog race, Indians lost” and “May 13, Indians won, game attendance was 14 paid” over and over. [Faith and Fear]
Please Stop Grabbing Our Boobs At Sporting Events – To our credit, if you like your girlfriend, it’s hard to not grab her boob. I try to grab boobs over breakfast. And it’s not a matter of demeaning or objectifying the woman, it’s just that boobs are fantastic and make everything (including sports, as long as they’re not directly involved IN the sport, such as foxy boxing) better. But yeah, we should probably stop doing that. [Deadspin]
Not Sports
The Top 29 Cities To Visit In 2011 – I’m going to guess/hope that Austin came in at #30. We’re the best city in that farting expanse between San Francisco and New York — we recycle, we have four themed festivals every weekend, we’re in the background of Machete and a pro wrestling prom is happening here. Also, Donald Glover liked us so much he gave himself a concussion after his show. Barcelona is for jerks! [Askmen]
Ghost Sex and Marshmallows: Star Trek Tech We Hope Comes True – It’s been the subject of stand-up comedy, but if the Holodeck was a real thing, I would seriously never leave it. I’d spend my days like a perverted, introverted 2011 Reggie Barclay, killing all my friends in fake Musketeer scenarios, and maybe slam dunking over naked Monica Bellucci. Barclay ruled, come to think of it. [UGO]
How would you explain a Kindle to Charles Dickens? – I would say “hey Charles Dickens, check out this thing, it’s called a Kindle,” and when he leaned in to get a closer look I’d pull the Kindle away and kick him back into his grave. “Great Expectations” is a piece of sh:t and ruined like half of my 9th grade, you don’t deserve to know what a Kindle is. [Gamma Squad]
A Huge Collection of Roger Hargreaves’ Cartoon Characters – Before they were t-shirts on Britney Spears, they were cute, less-educational-than-the-Letter People cartoons. Check out this gallery of Misters and Misses, and try to only be slightly disappointed that there is a “Mr. Perfect” without a towel or chewing gum. [EgoTV]
