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The Best and Worst of WWE Raw 5/2: Happy Dead Osama Bin Laden Day

By 05.03.11

Worst: Happy Birthday, Jerk

I guess when he was negotiating his return, the Rock said “okay, I want a ton of money, but also a birthday party, and some cake.” He also wanted to devote 45 minutes to introducing himself, with about twelve of that taken up by standing and staring and walking. I’ve drawn some ire for my opinions on The Rock in the past, so I want to make it clear that none of this has to do with his wrestling ability — it has everything to do with the fact that I watched a 39-year old man jerk himself off for two hours and nineteen minutes of overrun.

The last time Rock had a birthday party on Raw, it was “This Is Your Life,” with Mick Foley being charming and a fat lady clown being inefficient, and it ended up as the highest rated segment in the history of television. And it wasn’t even The Rock’s birthday. I guess that sort of explains how things have changed. Back then, the joke was in character. Mankind wanted Rock to like him, but he was a f**k-up, and the Rock was kind of cold-hearted. Somehow the dynamic meshed, because they’d taken some time to establish it, and even though it had less to do with wrestling than a TNA pay-per-view, it was fun, and we remember it.

Last night was actor Dwayne Johnson in his The Rock Halloween costume, standing in the middle of the ring while people screamed THIS IS THE ROCK’S BIRTHDAY PARTY IT IS THE BEST THING IN THE HISTORY OF TELEVISION, ALL WWE SUPERSTARS WISH THE ROCK HAPPY BIRTHDAY, WE ARE ALL THANKFUL AND GRATEFUL TO HIM

Nothing was happening, and we were just watching a guy be happy for himself. Okay, great, I’m glad the football star who got everything he wanted because he was related to the right people and got into movies because he was handsome finally gets to be happy for himself. Can we have a 40 minute birthday party for Drew McIntyre? He’s gotten really good.

Worst: Celebrities Know The Rock’s Catchphrases And Are Willing To Prove It

The commercial bumpers really showed how stereotypical Hollywood can be. I feel sort of sad that The Rock doesn’t have any real friends, he just has people who have heard of him and got an index card listing his signature sayings before their 60 seconds of networking. Hey, everybody, this is Betty White! I was a thing last year! I just wanted to say Happy Birthday to the Rock, and that I know what the Rock is cookin! /moves eyebrows

They didn’t even get it right, most of the time. LeBron James is all “do you know what the rock is cookin.” It’s like my Dad trying to remember what Baron Von Raschke used to say (he made a “mishtook,” Dad). It’s like when Anne Shelburne called me “Steven” in the 11th grade. I liked that she was talking to me, but Jesus, I’ve been in classes with you for the last five years. I guess Paul Walker likes you, Rock, but how much can Paul Walker like anything?

Worst: “Happy Birthday, Jerk”

The Happy Birthday messages started to get really sad there near the end, when it was clear that they ran out of celebrities after Steve Carrell and the Miami Heat, and just filmed messages from all the talk show hosts who don’t want to lose their jobs. Am I to believe that The Rock is close friends with George Lopez, Jimmy Kimmel, Craig Ferguson, Regis and Kelly, AND Ellen? Or am I to believe that those people want to have Rocky’s smiling asshole on their show when Fast Six gets filmed?

This isn’t really turning out to be a funny Best and Worst, because I just couldn’t understand what was happening. I’d blink my eyes, and there would be Adam Carolla or whoever, poking up his eyebrow with his finger to be all cute, caterwauling about how he hears what the Rock is cooking.

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