Worst: Randy Orton Will Go To The Papers If He Has To
It’s true, I’ve heard him say it several times.
About six and a half hours in we get our first professional wrestling match, and Maryse is the first one out of the curtain. I haven’t been writing here long enough for you guys to learn of my love for Maryse, but it is special and pure, and I think pro graps needs more people willing to make a camel clutch insulting and a lateral press sexy. Maryse is one of the truly underutilized talents on the WWE roster, be it in the ring or out, and whether she’s performing well or badly she always adds to the experience. I loved her as Divas Champion, and I loved her even more selling a slap from Cherry like she was dying from a brain clot.
Like always, our time with Maryse is too short. I just didn’t anticipate how short it was going to be.
Worst: Twelve Seconds of Maryse
Maryse vs. former IWGP Champion K2 lasted for twelve seconds, and it was the only twelve seconds of wrestling in Raw’s first hour. I’m not one to split hairs about the wrestling-to-skits ratio, as match times rarely matter and I’ve seen enough great five minute and horrible 40-minute matches to know what I’m talking about. This one led to something great, just like the zero seconds of attempted wrestling by John Morrison, but it’s still a sad statistic to think about. It makes me long for the days when Jack Swagger and Evan Bourne would get a full 90 seconds on Raw. You don’t know what you got ’til it’s gone.
Best: Kharma’s Gonna Get You
I’m glad my regular “Awesome Kong is so great, everybody” best category can finally reflect something happening in a wrestling ring. Kharma’s slasher movie debut at Extreme Rules continued onto Raw, where Kelly Kelly reached higher than the Maria-levels of acting we know her for and portrayed real, actual fear while watching this monstrous (but very sweet) lady mess up another pretty. I’m not sure if Kong is saving Kelly for later or if K2 is the virtuous virgin who makes it to the end and stages a big babyface comeback, but we’re past the doldrums of Eve and well into a Divas story I can enjoy.
Maybe they’re doing a thing where Kelly was the only person who was nice to her in High School, or Kharma’s secretly a babyface and that’s why she’s only targeting the heel Divas. Either way, she’s got the best entrance theme since the original Age of the Fall, and I want to see her every week.
Supplementary Best: Kelly Kelly Opened Her Eyes
Hey Kelly, you’re actually really pretty when you aren’t squinting your eyes like Brock from “Pokémon.” It’s sorta sad that it took a near death experience for that to happen, but you take what you’re given.