Best: Bret Hart vs. R-Truth
…with a supplementary “worst” for the godawful jorts convention going on in the ring at the top of the show. Hilarious elderly stroke victim Bret Hart having a threatening conversation with assumed stroke victim R-Truth is currently the best way to start a wrestling program. Hart just dresses like Silent Bob and forgets the tropes of wrestling, yelling stuff over music and crowd reactions. Truth doesn’t know how words work but somehow paints them into these beautiful masterpieces of dialogue, yelling about how he WANTS HIS SON BACK~ and how “used to” is a “rooster from Brewster.” At least I think that’s what he said. I’m not 100% sure, I might’ve been in a coma.
The segment gets a second supplementary worst for John Cena’s lingering incompetence, sort of referencing how he got caned 30 times in the stomach at the pay-per-view 22 hours ago, but not really. He still sprints to the ring and slides in feet first like Evan Bourne. He’s saved by Truth’s condemnation of his coolness, which is completely true, despite the fact that it is being said by a screaming invalid. YA SEE, I USED TO THINK THAT WINS AND LOSSES DIDN’T MATTER AS LONG AS YA GIVE THE PEOPLE WHAT THEY WANTED. THAT AIN’T GET ME DIDDLY SQUAT! “Diddly squat” is an instant best.
Worst: A Dream Sequence, Seriously?
Before you trick yourself into thinking I enjoyed this Raw, I need to remind you that Jerry Lawler and his best friends Josh Mathews and Michael Cole wondered what it would be like if Barack Obama gave a press conference about WWE Capitol Punishment, and then the SCOOBY-DOO FLASHBACK GRAPHICS HAPPENED and they went to some Jimmy Kimmel-quality doctored footage of Obama chuckling about John Cena and The Miz. When it was over, we Doo-Dream’d back to the announcers table, where everybody goes “heh, that would be something!” And we didn’t even get to the racist political cartoon poster, or the fact that the pay-per-view is called f**king “capitol punishment.”
The most embarrassing thing about any wrestling show is the dream sequence. When Zack Ryder is talking to Rosa Mendes and suddenly we are one with his internal fantasies, it’s bad. It’s even worse when we can see Bob Orton covered in hallucination blood or Ultimate Warrior preening in the mirror. In fact, let’s get rid of backstage fantasy completely, and have the wrestlers walk out to the set and talk to Bob Caudle if they want to talk.
Also Worst: John Cena’s Jump For Joy
the hell is this supposed to be
Come on, Cena, you’d never catch Randy Orton doesn’t something like