Best: SWAGGAH BOMBU
I don’t have much to say about the Jack Swagger vs. Evan Bourne match except that it lasted about 80 seconds longer than any Bourne/Swagger match in history and that Swagger Ultimate Death Killed the kid with that gutwrench powerbomb. I think that’s what’s been missing from wrestling. Finishers these days are so harmless. What’s R-Truth’s “Shut Up” going to do? He’s just Rock Bottoming himself. Starship Pain might leave a greasy trail of spray-tanner across your stomach. Swagger’s powerbomb (aka the Last Name Bomb) looks like it would hurt. That’s good! That’s what people like about Ring of Honor, that everything looks like it hurts. Well, okay, not counting Cole and O’Reilly’s wacky CZW move parade.
We should just say screw it and give every WWE guy a dangerous head drop finisher. I want to see Derrick Bateman show up on Superstars and start Steiner Screwdrivering people.
Worst: Sometimes You Can Smell a Title Change
“I wrote this on my forum” isn’t a reliable source or anything, but I’ve watched enough WWE programming to sense a tag title change. It’s a rhythm. The belts haven’t meant anything in years, and there’s a sweet spot between a meaningless pay-per-view title defense and the oncoming of a soon-to-be-aborted push where the rain falls a little differently, your trick knee acts up, and David Otunga wins a championship belt. It just happens. As soon as I heard “the following match is for the WWE Tag Team Championshehhhhh” I typed “time for a title change, no matter who they’re wrestling.”
Sure enough the titles changed hands, and now No Matter Who are the tag team champions. And if I’m allowed to be catty for a second, Otunga and Michael McGillicutty are the worst Slater and Gabriel of all time. Does this constitute the next verse in the Genesis of McGillicutty? Can we hurry up and move on to the Exodus of McGillicutty?