I need to get right into the report this week, because the greatest moment in the history of televised professional wrestling may have happened.
Extra Special Best: No More Tears, Big Jimmy
R-Truth became increasingly upset with a group of fans in the crowd wearing John Cena T-shirts. After winning his match against John Cena by count-out, Truth escaped up the ramp and made a detour through the crowd, running back around to harass them a little more. When Truth stole a child’s soda, his father (hereinafter known as “Big Jimmy”) stood up to get it back. Truth splashed the beverage in Big Jimmy’s face and ran off, leaving him humiliated and sort of shaken. John Cena, being the stand-up guy he is, walked over to make sure the fans were okay and WIPED SODA (and assumedly tears) OFF OF THE GUY’S FACE WITH HIS WRISTBANDS. He then took off his bicep sweatband and gave it to the adult man, completely ignoring the small child. The show went off the air with Cena just kind of lingering there, repeatedly patting and reassuring the man.
A few observations:
- I’ve seen Secrets of Pro Wrestling: Revealed so I understand the nature of a Stunt Granny (and to a lesser extent, the nature of the little boy and his torn up autograph book who gets taken out for pizza by the wrestlers after the show), but these guys were horrible. Big Jimmy sold humiliation by just sort of standing there being bored (which is, admittedly, a step up from Randy Orton’s changeling wife selling fear by rubbing one out on a tour bus) and Little Jimmy didn’t seem to care that JOHN F’ING CENA was standing behind him, even though he and his family appeared to like Cena so much they’d buy matching Confederate flag t-shirts. Maybe the kid was on a shit-ton of Ritalin, but if I was nine years old and Sting was milling around behind me I would dump in my f**king shorts.
- “Gay” is not a word that should be used as an insult, and by that same attitude neither should “dumb” or “lame,” as they associate physical abnormalities with judgmental derision, but watching Cena console an adult man in his t-shirt who could not protect his family was a massive combination of every body disease and minority sexual preference in our world. He WIPED AWAY HIS TEARS WITH HIS SWEATBANDS.
- I don’t think Big Jimmy was trying to be insulting when he asked Truth “what’s up,” I just think he’s a member of the WWE Universe, and those guys can only respond to wrestlers with their catchphrases. That’s why nobody cares about Dolph Ziggler, and why 20,000 people found the Road Dogg so goddamned interesting for half a decade.