Best, Just in General: R-Truth
The guy is such a confusing dynamo right now he could fill out his own Best and Worst section. He’s the best reason to watch Raw, and this is coming from a guy who couldn’t stand him a month ago. Everything’s fallen into place. He’s stalling like a solarized Larry Zbyszko. He’s got hecklers yelling funny things about how Zack Ryder has a shirt but he doesn’t. He’s no-selling the Five Knuckle Shuffle, because honestly, he’s falling with his weight in the wrong direction and just sort of scraping you with his fingers as he falls, it should hurt way less than a regular punch, plus he lets you lie there for a few seconds and rest before doing anything.
I could listen to Truth talk nonsense and call himself a Nutty Buddy all day. In fact, I can’t think of a single thing that would stop me from enjoying an R-Truth promo!
Worst: Technical Difficulties
One of my saddest moments as a wrestling fan was waiting two years for Brock Lesnar to break out his OVW shooting star press, only for him to FINALLY do it as the finish of the main event of a Wrestlemania, land on his head like an idiot and never do it again. Very few things about wrestling give me that same brick-in-the-stomach feeling that I should be doing something more constructive with my time, and technical difficulties ruining a part of the show I’d enjoy is one of them. When Truth was talking to Little Jimmy and the words didn’t match his lips, I almost stopped watching. I hate dubs. I don’t want to hear an adult woman doing a baby voice trying to be Setsuko, and I don’t want to watch Michael Cole throw his voice. Watching Michael Cole throw his voice would be like watching Jeff Dunham, and I would rather slit my own ass and die than watch Jeff Dunham.
Best: Zack Ryder, Internet Intercontinental Champion
WWWYKIBRO. Guys who write Raw reports who don’t know what the Internet Intercontinental Championship looks like need to spend more time on the Internet. Or on Superstars.
Worst: Swagger’s Idea of Charisma
I don’t want to keep going back to Tough Enough, but Jack Swagger wouldn’t win it. Austin would be all WHY AIN’T YOU SHOWN ME NOTHIN’ BOY and Swagger would lisp about his collegiate accomplishments and Austin would be all EH EHHH and take away his spinner replica. Swagger is good in the ring, I won’t take that away from him, and he’s shown flashes of charisma in ridiculous situations like the Swagger Soaring Eagle … but in the ring all he’s got is a blank stare and his arms held out. That’s it. That’s the only thing he can do to get the crowd into it. He hits a move, stands there staring at nothing and holds out his arms. I don’t know if he’s working with a donkey’s brain, or maybe I’m unaware of his Multiple Sclerosis, but he needs to get three new tauntsw, because you can’t put “Swagger Appeal” as up, down, left AND right.
Somebody get Swagger into an angle where the Divas realize he’s got a huge package, stat.