Best: Wait, Does Wrestling Matter?
TNA Wrestling changes their name to “Impact Wrestling” and gives themselves the motto “wrestling matters.” The next show features Abyss winning the X-Division title and Eric Bischoff pinning the Young Bucks. TNA jumps on Twitter to explain how “wrestling matters” means “wrestling shows are important to people,” not “wrestling is an important part of wrestling shows.” TNA continues to exist, and I ignore it as much as possible.
Then! WWE, the show everybody goes to as an example of how wrestling sucks now and is only a bunch of dick comedy and backstage segments, puts on a two hour program with Kingston vs. Ziggler, Punk vs. Mysterio, just over three minutes of Evan Bourne against Jack Swagger, and R-Truth stalling like it’s 1986 and we’re on ESPN2. He might as well have been fleeing from Crusher Blackwell. From fun, technical back-and-forth to aped puroresu kicks, it was an encapsulation of everything people like about wrestling these days. Only, you know, most people fast forwarded through it and jumped on the Internet to talk about how it was a C-minus.
The shows are good sometimes, guys, I swear. I’m sorry nobody from 1997 is around to make it enjoyable for you. Well, Mark Henry I guess.
Best/Worst: Every Minute of the Day, Somewhere in the World, Kofi Kingston is Wrestling Dolph Ziggler
I like watching them wrestle, but I’m also extremely tired of watching them wrestle. Ziggler/Kingston is like trying to make out with your girlfriend at two in the morning on a Tuesday. It’s fun and you like your girlfriend a lot, but part of you just wishes you could go to bed. Hi, I’m Dave Barry, and I review pro wrestling.
Ziggler countering Kingston’s SOS by holding on to the top rope and letting him flip over onto his own head was awesome, but part of me just wanted to remember an old Smackdown down a sixer of NyQuil. I want there to be a lot of other guys on the show who are good at wrestling so I never have to watch them wrestle again. They are the Tajiri and Super Crazy of Raw, and yes, Kingston is the Super Crazy in this analogy.
Worst: Hold on a Sec, Guys, is that Little Guido?
New pet peeve – every week some inattentive guy on a forum notices that Little Guido is a WWE referee. It never fails. He’s been on the show for WEEKS, and every Tuesday morning on DVDR or Wienerville or the Lethal Injection Forums some guy with a handle like “bruiserbrodysbeard” types “hey guys, call me crazy, but was that LITTLE GUIDO as a ref during the women’s match???” And I’m like, first of all you’ve never even WATCHED a Bruiser Brody match, so f**k your user handle, and second of all YES THAT IS LITTLE GUIDO, and Big Sal is the ring announcer, and the bald fat guy rapping by the fireworks control panel is PN News.
This is a formal announcement: Little Guido the wrestler is now a WWE referee. Remember this for next Monday.