Who knew that a guy who committed bankruptcy fraud, got arrested for 23 drug-related felonies and spent 12 years playing pro baseball with a fist-sized sh*t-clod in his mouth would have so many problems? Enter: Lenny Dykstra, who has taken the Pete Rose route to forgiveness by admitting his problem and requesting rehab instead of prison way, way after anyone would take it seriously.
According to reports from TMZ, Dykstra entered a Not Guilty plea on the 16th for all 25 criminal charges he’s facing (including auto theft, identity theft, and possession of cocaine and ecstasy) and even brought along his bail money, but was denied and sent back to prison. Now (the 17th, if you’re keeping track) he’s saying he does have a problem with substance abuse and needs help, but can’t get that in jail. So what exactly was he not guilty of? Doing drugs, but not having them? I guess it boils down to the semantics of what constitutes “possessing” drugs. If you eat it the second you see it, did you really “possess” a cupcake? If you see a pitcher’s mound-size heap of cocaine and slide headfirst into it, did you really possess that cocaine?
Regardless, nothing seems to be working, and Dykstra is still stuck in the joint, sneaking in contraband for the other high-profile prisoners in that tanuki nutsack he calls a face. I’ll be sure to update you on Monday, when Dykstra pleads remorseful bankruptcy-related drug insanity.