This week’s edition of The Best and Worst of Raw is a little longer than normal, because sometimes the people in charge of pro wrestling decide they want to spend three hours doing what normally takes them two and what they could accomplish in one. WWE says the difference between a three-hour All-Star Raw and a normal episode is that superstars from the Raw and Smackdown brands come together for an exciting night of sports entertainment action! The actual difference is that during a three-hour Raw, you look at the clock and say, “Jesus, this is only halfway over?”
Next week is a three hour Raw as well, where fans get to vote on the matches and stipulations, because even WWE doesn’t want people paying money to see Capitol Punishment. Please enjoy 700 pages of The Best and Worst of Raw. At least it isn’t a slideshow!
Worst: Oh God, John Morrison is Back
I feel like I should explain myself before we begin. I want The Best and Worst of Raw to be an overwhelmingly positive column to contrast the “meh I’ll give this match a C-minus” Internet status quo. I WANT this to be good. I want it all to good. I want to sit down on Tuesday morning with a Five Star notebook and an oversized novelty pencil and have nothing bad to say. The best things you can do as a wrestling fan are to watch and be able to change your mind. So when John Morrison makes his triumphant return to Raw, I want his day-off comedy boot camp to have paid off, I want him to have actual wrestling gear, and I want him to know how to do a headlock without having to study Raja Lion tapes.
But yeah, when Stone Cold started getting all WHAT, DRANK BEERS, SUMBITCH on R-Truth about competing on Raw, I could smell John Morrison beside him. The R-Truth parts of my life started flashing before my eyes. I put a picture of Truth in my dead Mother’s locket, in case Starship Pain made me get all obviously symbolic.
Best: Wait, This is Actually the Best John Morrison Segment Ever
I proudly present to you the upside of not fast forwarding things you think you’ll hate. Morrison’s music played, and I sighed. He didn’t come out, and it played again. That’s wrestling TV code for “something unexpected is happening backstage”. Truth left the ring and started walking up the ramp, and I swear I pictured at least 45 variations of John Morrison jumping off of something onto him as he walked. When he went backstage, I thought Morrison was gonna swing by on the ceiling and Resident Evil 2 his ass. And then, nope, it was awesome!
When Truth looked at the camera and said “SHAZAM” I could feel okay again. Not as okay as if he’d gotten struck by lightning when he said it, but still, I was happy. Morrison was down, and Truth got to kneel over him and gloat for a little while before smashing him into the wall with a production cart. I looked down at my hands and realized I WAS WRITING THIS SEGMENT IN REAL TIME. Truth mugged for the camera like Daffy Duck and ran away, and we sent it back to the ring for a 15-minute Canadian Ninjas vs. Hiroyo Matsumoto/Misaki Ohata tag team match.
Well, at least most of that actually happened.