Come on, bro, are you serious?
Raw on Long Island comes and goes for the second time without an appearance from Zack Ryder, more or less proving that WWE doesn’t give a ripe shit how hard you work to get yourself over, and all that stuff Austin says on Tough Enough about making your own chances is a horse’s anus. Hey Austin, you know how you keep telling people how when you first got to WWE you were the Ringmaster and how terrible that was? Guess what? You spent the five f**king years before that on television having awesome matches with Brian Pillman and Ricky Steamboat and Dustin Rhodes and being part of the Dangerous Alliance, which is unarguably the best thing in the history of wrestling. You were a multiple-time champion, and you got fired just in time to show up in ECW during that one time period when getting fired and showing up in ECW was the coolest thing you could do. Then they made you King of the Ring and put you in a feud with Bret Hart.
How many of those things happened to Big Andy? How many of them happened to Matt Cross? F**king none of them. Andy got put on a wrestling reality show. Matt Cross spent five years wrestling Josh f**king Abercrombie. You didn’t make your chances, Austin, WCW and the WWF did. You just happened to be extremely talented at pro wrestling. Funny how that turned out, right?
Those YouTube hits might not mean much to a company who simultaneously fellates their Twitters on TV and runs down “nerds on the Internet”, but the signs in the crowd are real, the fellowship of the wrestlers is real, and Ryder is talented enough at the style of thing you want to have this make him into something that will make you money. What I’m saying is that you’re dumb, and sometimes you have to give the guy a pirate gimmick when the Pirates movie is popular, not five f**king years later.
Best: Evan Bourne Should Win Sometimes
Much in the way that Hornswoggle exists only to be kicked in the face, Evan Bourne has this job because of that shooting star press slow motion replay. They keep putting him on TV and keep wanting him to be a Thing, but I can’t recall match on anything better than Superstars that Bourne has won with actual wrestling moves since that boss tag with Mysterio against Miz and Morrison a few years ago. He won with sort-of cheating last night (note to the Internet: Kofi Kingston has fewer moves than John Cena), but at least he hit his finisher and got a pin, which occasionally makes him look way better than getting Swagger Bombed in four seconds and jumping around smiling about it afterward.
Worst: F**k You, That Domino’s Pizza is Worth 35 Cents
I wanted to do an entire page of Bests and Worsts for the commercials, but I wasn’t sure how many of you get to see the little CGI’d The General doing karate in dress shoes to sell car insurance.
Anyway, what I’m saying is that the Domino’s commercial where the store manager is complaining about how his pizza is worth twice as much as he’s selling it for is the biggest lie on television since Simon Cowell told Kellie Pickler she was great at singing. You poured f**king Ragu on a square of cardboard and drove it to my house with a two liter of Mountain Dew, your pizza is worth 1/4th of a box and $1.99.