The Best and Worst of WWE Capitol Punishment

By: 06.20.11

Worst: Who is a Worse American, Sergeant Slaughter or Reggie Brown?

Reggie Brown is a comedian who does an impression of Barack Obama, most recently at the Republican Leadership Conference where he made a string of what CNN is going to call “racially-tinged jokes” (and what I like to call “racist jokes”) about how Obama and his wife look like Fred Sanford and Aunt Esther. Sergeant Slaughter is a guy who pretends like he was in the Army even though all he ever did was hang around G.I. Joe, then completely abandoned America to support Saddam Hussein during the Gulf War. I can’t decide which of them is the worst American, and kept wishing the segment between them would end with Serpentor popping up out of nowhere and dragging Reggie Brown to his death inside of some mobile assault vehicle while Slaughter used a pistol to shoot lasers at the ground in front of him.

What is it with WWE and Presidential lookalikes? I remember Sunny sitting on “Bill Clinton’s” lap, and I remember how embarrassing it seemed. When 9/11 happened they should’ve gotten Frank Caliendo to read Bush’s speech, then re-used it without irony when Osama Bin Laden got compromised to a permanent end.

Best: Who Remembered Mark Henry Was Strong?

Michael Cole COULDN’T BELIEVE that Mark Henry, called the “World’s Strongest Man” for the last twenty years, could perform a feat of strength we’ve seen from Kane, John Cena, Brock Lesnar, and several others. Pretty sure Ricardo Rodriguez could bodyslam The Big Show at this point. However, Mark Henry World’s Strongestly Slamming the Big Show through a table does get a best for being (1) violence, and (2) an actual use of Mark Henry’s one marketable ability.

Think about it. Mark Henry is the World’s Strongest Man. I mean, he isn’t, but work with me here. Remember that brief period when Henry was lifting cars and bending pipes and stuff, and how cool that was, and how it seemed like if he did that to a human body he’d totally mangle it? You probably do, but not as much as Sexual Chocolate Mark Henry who got put into a cock vice by the Pretty Mean Sisters, or Incestuous Mark Henry who had sex with his sister when he was 8 and kept doing it through adulthood, or Half-Mannequin Mark Henry who impregnated Mae Young and caused her to give birth to a rubber hand. Mark Henry can ACTUALLY LIFT A CAR and you market him as “this big black pervert”. Why not market him as THIS GUY CAN F**KING LIFT A CAR and have him do stuff like this all the time? You might’ve made some money on him in the last decade and a half, idiots.

Worst: We Want Ryder

so uh, when do we start rioting

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