The Best and Worst of WWE Capitol Punishment

By: 06.20.11  •  21 Comments

Worst: Wade Barrett’s Not From Here!


There is nothing worse than when WWE decides to get their guy from Europe (or wherever) over by having him suddenly care about politics. Besides having that voice and face, Wade Barrett hasn’t seemed to really give a sh:t about being in America since his debut. But now that we’re in Our Nation’s Capital© Wade has to cut a big long promo about how Libyan officials are accusing NATO of attacking another non-military target and how where HE’s from, ENGLAND, would never do such a thing to an arena full of people who paid $50 dollars to get in to pay $50 for a NEVER GIVE UP t-shirt and COULD NOT POSSIBLY CARE ABOUT ANYTHING IMPORTANT.

The reason the Iron Sheik worked is because he stuck with “Iran best, America, spitting noise”. He didn’t wander out in his pointy boots and start explaining why Obamacare doesn’t work. WWE should go full tilt on this and have John Cena stop his matches in the middle to grab a microphone and say “okay kids, I need to explain to you why gas prices are so high, and it’s because of your black President.”

Worst: USA!

Washington D.C. is smart enough to chant U-S-A, U-S-A to help a guy from goddamn Guyana rally and defeat a guy from England. I almost gave this a “best” because of WWE not actually announcing where Ezekiel Jackson is from during his ring entrance. But there he was, kicking his feet and stomping his hands to harness the power of the USA and bodyslam Wade Barrett to death. This is the worst use of USA since I went to Fall Brawl ’98 and watched Winston-Salem chant it to help Alex Wright come back against The British Bulldog.

One good part, though: after adding the Intercontinental Championship, Zeke is about nine kneepads away from completing his Ahmed Johnson Halloween costume.

Best: Bodyslams?

I don’t want to be the guy who thinks everything about wrestling is terrible, so here’s a “best” for Zeke’s stupid bodyslam rush, and for the announcers selling it like we all know how dangerous it is. “OH NO KING WE KNOW WHAT COMES AFTER THE BODYSLAMS.” Is it more bodyslams? And if they’re so deadly, why does Barrett get up and turn around and walk back into Zeke after each one? Shouldn’t he be too hurt to get up?

Worst: Stop Mentioning America, Zeke

I didn’t want to give another Best or Worst to Zeke vs. Wade Barrett, but yeah, Zeke’s post match promo was the worst, and he should only talk on television if he’s responding to a philosophical question from Brian Kendrick. If you didn’t see the show, he basically read the preamble to the Constitution and added in some Ezekiel Jackson terms.

“We the people of the United States, in order to BODYSLAM a more perfect INTERCONTINENTAL CHAMPIONSHIP, establish BODYSLAMS, ensure domestic tranquility, provide for the common defense, promote the general BODYSLAMS, and secure the blessings of DOMINATION to ourselves and our EZEKIEL JACKSON, as long as we both shall live, AMEN!”

And then his dumb rap song started.

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