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You Can Stop the Reign

By / 06.01.11

Middle school is officially over: Shaquille O’Neal is retiring.

In a very Shaq kind of way, the former Most Valuable Player and four-time NBA Champion (and magical genie) announced his retirement via a Twitter post linking to a video (which you can watch here) that cuts out after about 10 seconds to reveal Shaq singing the backing vocals for the “When Doves Cry” breakdown. That’s really the best way for Shaq to go, isn’t it?

Of course, announcing something like this on Twitter means that almost anyone who’d be reading a site like this as news already knows, so these HEY GUYS SHAQ JUST SAID HE’S RETIRING posts are mostly for a reflection on the man’s career, and the borderline psychopathic undertones it carried for almost 20 years. In his career, Shaq:

1. Released multiple rap albums despite nobody wanting him to
2. Winning a Razzie for Worst Actor by putting on a suit of armor in a Superman spinoff
3. Had a test of strength-ish showdown with The Big Show on WWE Raw
4. Had his own Sega Genesis game about how great he was at karate
5. Got spanked by Tracy Morgan on Saturday Night Live
6. Boxed Oscar de la Hoya for absolutely no reason

…and that doesn’t begin to touch his accomplishments on the court, including 15 all-star selections, rookie of the year, three Finals MVP awards and a couple of Olympic Gold medals. How do you tribute this guy? He has a colossal Superman bed and he’s almost 40 years old. He’s a living tribute to himself, isn’t he?

We’ll miss you, Shaq, whether we liked you or not. Because we all kind of liked you.


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