Octagon Girl Brittney Palmer is a beautiful young woman, and just because her job is “walk while holding a sign and waving at you” adds the complexity of walking to the job of a homeless man wearing a sandwich board for a mattress warehouse doesn’t mean she should be judged or ridiculed. I mean that seriously. I don’t want you to read this article and think I’m judging her or her personality. I found myself doing that on Twitter once. I noticed how many followers Arianny Celeste had and asked, “What could she possibly have to say?” I was being a lookist and a bit of a misogynistic jagoff, and for that I apologize.
What I do want to do is share with you ten great, completely out of context quotes from Brittney’s interview with Cagewriter, reported today by Maggie Hendricks, a friend of Uproxx whose writing is still not anything like a woman’s vagina. I laughed the whole way through it and felt the need to share and let you draw your own conclusions. I’m not firing Joe Morgan or kissing Suzy Kolber, but here’s a nearly sentence-by-sentence breakdown. Keep in mind that the “best quotes” are nearly the entire article, so go read it in context when you’re done.
Quick synopsis: Brittney Palmer is more than just a pretty face.
“I’ve always been very right-brained, and my mom always knew I’d do something creative. Right out of high school, I started dancing professionally in a burlesque show, and a magic show”
All kidding aside, “dancing at a magic show” is pretty creative. And there’s definitely a defined, almost Lewis Carroll-esque creativity involved in wearing nipple shields and chair-dancing around inside of an enormous martini glass. It’s like restrained sex’s equivalent for the Jabberwocky.
“People stereotype MMA fans as a certain kind. I don’t think that they are. These people see my art, and they give input on it, and the fans are so smart. They just haven’t been introduced to art.”
“MMA fans are smart, they just don’t know things.” How do you make it into adulthood without being introduced to art? That seems like a conscious choice you have to make. If I had to wait for a beautiful woman in her underwear to introduce me to things I would’ve been functionally retarded until I was like 25.
“My biggest painting was Muhammad Ali, and that’s because Dana White loves Muhammad Ali. That’s one of the first paintings I did, and I gave it to Dana for being such a rad boss.”
I really don’t want this list to devolve into me calling a woman stupid, but how much more like a Ninja Turtle can a person sound before you say something?
Until now, her only training in painting came from YouTube videos, but she realizes that’s not enough.
This is a quote from Hendricks herself. It’s informative and manages to be straight-forward and scathingly self-aware at the same time. It’d be like me saying “Brandon Stroud bought a football from Academy Sports, but he realizes it might not be enough to make it in the NFL”.
Clearly the step between “YouTube” and “Famous Artist” is the Bob Ross 3-Hour Workshop DVD.
“I can look at a sky and paint it, but I want to know how to paint it and know which brushes and strokes to use.”
The impetus of Man, beautifully expressed.
“Learning art is just like learning fighting. There’s so many steps and levels.”
I get the feeling that anybody who hangs around fighting that much is going to compare everything in their life to fighting. If her test said “Explain binary fission” Brittney would write “Binary fission is just like fighting. It involves learning and punching”. Again, I’m not making fun, I do this with nerdy movies and pro wrestling.
“I want it to be for girls, too. Some of the fans — I hate calling them fans. I feel like such a dork. I call them band-aids or something”
You are a slightly bigger dork for having to call them something. This is why we hate the “Red Sox Nation”. You aren’t a nation, you assholes just like the Red Sox.
“The girls like that I’m curvy.”
Just wanted to take a second to post another picture of this full-figured, plus-sized BBW.
Does getting breast implants make you curvy? Also, are there seriously women watching mixed martial arts who turn to their friends and say, “Man, I wish some of these girls were heavier”?
“If you can get the girls on your side, that’s great. The guys are easy.”
She’s telling the truth, but keeps slyly admitting that male MMA fans are basically puppies who are born knowing how to hump your leg, but need a small amount of training to fetch a stick. Pretty Girl Information Update: If somebody who hasn’t been introduced to art tells you your art is great, they don’t have a developed set of criteria for judging art and are telling you it’s good because you’re hot.
And again, I’m not above doing that myself. If I go to Kerbey Lane Cafe in Austin and get George as my waiter, sure, I’ll tip him a few bucks for a job well done. If I get the cute blonde girl with the septum piercing, I’m tipping her 80% whether she spills boiling hot coffee on my face or not.
“I don’t want to known as just the hot chick that walks around the ring. I want to be the cool chick who likes to paint rock stars and learns to play guitar.”
I think I’d like this engraved on my tombstone.
I want more like this!
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